Down and Out

Well my temp dropped again this morning so I think this is the swan song for this cycle. I'm actually okay with it. Yesterday was my big realization day that this cycle was a bust. I had yesterday to be sad, which wasn't helped by going to book club where the topic of the night seemed to be babies. Are people talking more about babies and baby related things more than normal or am I just picking up on this now?

Anyways, today I'm refreshed and ready for the end of this cycle so we can start on the next one. Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and positive vibes. Please know that every single one of them was heard and felt loud and clear and they really helped me through my disappointment yesterday. Because of them I've picked myself up and am ready to move on again. So I huge HUG to each one of you.

I guess it's wrong to say that this cycle was a bust because I actually learned a lot this time around.

Lesson #1: Keep my big trap shut - We have decided to severely limit the amount of people we are bringing into the "circle of trust" next cycle. I was getting sick of all the "How are you feeling?" questions everyday and all the comments about "Oh, your tired today? I wonder what that could mean?" I know all of this is said out of love but it just added to my anxiety. I think this lesson will come in handy as well when we do become pregnant and we decide when and who to tell.

Lesson #2: The internet is not your friend - Next cycle I'm just going to go on my merry little way and not obsessively look up every single twinge or "symptom" and see if it matches what others have experienced.

Lesson #3: Don't be fooled by the thermometer - Even though it is taking a while for your thermometer to beep that doesn't mean that your temperature will be high. This was my first BIG disappointment yesterday because the thermometer took FOREVER to beep so I thought WOW! my temp must have gone up cause it's taking soooo long to get there. Unfortunately, no. I think it was just too scared to tell me the truth and was holding out for as long as possible.

Lesson #4: Stop Stressing - This one I think will be helped out by following lessons 1, 2 and 3. I just need to try and chill. I am by no means a veteran (and I bow to you out there that have been at this for what I'm sure feels like forever) but I feel like I now have an inkling of what to expect next month which will help.

Does anyone else have any helpful lessons they have learned during this process?

11DPO

Negative and a temp drop this morning. Slowly losing hope for this cycle. Chart is looking like last months :(

Not a Good Way to Wake Up in the Morning

No this is not a post about getting a BFN. It's still to early, and even if we did get a negative instead of a positive I know it could still change. Anyways, on to the BEST Monday morning EVER!

Amy had to leave early for work this morning (6:30) so she let Campbell jump up on the bed and sleep with me until it was time for me to get up. Well I took my temp at 6:30 and was all excited that is was still high and instead of staying in bed and going back to sleep I went into the kitchen to get some water.

I should have known when I stepped in something wet at the threshold that turning on the light was not going to be a good idea. Poor Campbell had projectile vomited all over the bed, sheets, comforter and floor. He was in the midst of dry heaving when I walked in :(

So needless to say I'm tired and so is Campbell. He on the other hand has been spending the morning sleeping while I've had to work. Thankfully, he seems to be on the mend and was happily eating breakfast this morning. I on the other hand am still a bit shaken.

Tick-Tock

Wow the waiting it torture. I never imagined it would be this hard to wait. I wonder if the first time is the hardest or is it equally as hard if you have to do it multiple times. I have so much respect for those that have had to do this over and over again. I definitely will have some guilt if it does happen on our first try.

Right now I am trying not to stress Melissa out by hiding my feelings. However, those that know me know that I can't hide my feelings easily. I find that I am having a difficult time sleeping. Melissa appears to be handing the waiting much better than I am.

I know that a month ago I would have thought our feelings would be reversed. I am just an impatient person. I guess this process is good for me but I hate it. I just want to know NOW if it worked or not. I am very positive and have high hopes this has worked. I am prepared for a negative because the odds are against us for our first try. However I do have hope, probably more hope than I thought I would have on the first try.

Again, another example of how much stronger Melissa is than me.

Austin City Limits

We had such a great weekend hanging out with friends and listening to music. The festival was on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Aside from the scorching heat it was an amazing time.

We got to see:
Pete Yorn
Crowded House
Queens of the Stone Age
Killers
Steve Earle
Augustana
Stephen Marley
Zap Mama
Damian Rice
Indigo Girls
Muse
Robert Earl Keen
DeVotchKa
Lucinda Williams
Regina Spektor
Wilco
Ghostland Observatory
Bob Dylan & His Band

It was a great distraction to just sit, relax and listen to good music.



Thanks Kim (from Mommies in the Making) about your concern for our safety. We weren't close to the fire, Amy received some ash on her face but that was the extent of our injuries.

So today I'm 3/4DPI and completely exhausted. I wish I could chalk it up to pregnancy symptoms but alas it is too early and I know it's simply ACL hangover.

IUI #2

Melissa's biggest fear today is that the nasty tenaculum would be needed during the insemination. Well unfortunately the doctor had to use the tenaculum today. It was so sad because when the doctor mentioned "the word" tears started to flow from Melissa's eyes. I told her to be brave and that it would be okay. It seemed to take less time today than yesterday. Melissa also said it didn't hurt as bad this time as the previous time. Maybe it was the advice given to us for her to not empty her bladder or maybe it was because she knew what to expect this time.

I am so proud of her. This week she has been so strong. I have never seen Melissa go through so much physical pain before. I wish that I could have taken some of the pain away. I am glad that I was there both times.

Thanks to everyone for giving us advice on dealing with the tenaculum. We also would like to thank everyone for supporting us and cheering us on during our first TWW.

P.S. ACL is AWESOME!! We are having a blast.

Torture in the 21st Century

Good news first...we had our first IUI this afternoon! Now the rest of the story.

*Warning the information below might be too traumatic for some readers*

We went in for our IUI, did the whole routine of feet in stirrups, etc. The doctor said everything looked good until she tried to put the catheter needle thing in and she couldn't get it though my cervix, at this point the word tenaculum passed her lips. Now to those of you who are saying "huh, what is this thing she is talking about", let me give you the definition and image of this medieval torture device so you can truly appreciate the afternoon I refer to as hell.

Tenaculum: A long-handled, slender, hooked instrument for lifting and holding parts, such as blood vessels, during surgery.


(Pay particular attention to the sharp pointy ends)

I knew I was in trouble even before she started using the device. One look at the horror that was plastered across Amy's face made me realize that tenaculum was not a fancy medical term for cotton swab.

So at this point she had to use this instrument from satan to clamp my cervix in place and then use it to straighten out the kink (I'm paraphrasing here) so that the catheter could pass though. When she tugged on this thing to straighten out said kink I swear I flew off the table. The pain radiated EVERYWHERE in my lower body. I believe the exact words I screamed were "OH MY GOD!" I'm not even going to pretend that I was brave, tears were streaming down my face. I don't think I would have made it through if Amy wasn't there holding my hand. Needless to say I'm more than sore right now. The thing that made it all worthwhile was that Amy was allowed to push down on the syringe.

I wish the experience wouldn't have been so traumatic. This whole day has made me wonder if I can't handle this kind of pain how am I going to handle childbirth. I'll be honest, I'm scared to go back tomorrow.

Brief Update

I'm on CD15 still no peak on the monitor or +OPK. I did get a faint line on the OPK this morning so it looks like it might be tomorrow. I had a tentative appointment scheduled for this afternoon that I think is going to be canceled and moved to tomorrow. I'm still waiting to hear back from the doctor. *sigh*

UPDATE: Doctor still wants me to come in and we'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

PASSPORT HELL

Sorry, I need to vent.....

About 5 months ago I applied for a passport and I still do not have it. The other day I decided to call the passport office. I have called before but they only let you talk to someone if you are travelling within two weeks. This time, I called and lied and said I was traveling on Sept. 30th. They told me I will be receiving a letter in the mail claiming I need to prove I am who I am and that I am a US citizen. It took them 5 months to send me this information. I thought okay no big deal, that was until I got the letter.

The US passport office is making me provide 5 forms of ID, list every place I have ever lived, every job I have ever had, every school I have ever attended, and list my families name, birth date, and where they were born.

Thanks to Melissa getting a jump on this it didn't take me as long as the normal person but it was time consuming (Thank God I'm 31 and not 75!). I mean do you know every place you lived and the years you lived there. The most difficult thing to do was the 5 forms of ID. Luckily for me I have an out of state drivers license and a state ID. I also used my social security card and a year book picture (with a copy of the cover). The last form of ID was a copy of my signature/dated contract for my mortgage.

I had to go send this Fed Ex and pay $25 to ship this out. This is such bullshit that I had to go through all of this. It would have been one thing if I would have found this out after 2 months but 5 months later. Keep in mind that this is all after I asked the passport guy if I should rush my passport and he of course said "no you'll get it in pleanty of time to fly to Canada for your wedding". Ummm...no...not so much!

I wonder how long it will take to get my passport now. What a joke.

So Excited

I am so excited about this upcoming week as is Melissa but for two different reasons. Melissa is excited about the upcoming ACL festival and I am excited about finally experiencing our first insemination. Don't get me wrong Melissa is excited but very nervous and ACL is a great distraction from the stress.

I never thought I would be so excited about the first try. About 8 months ago I was preparing to not get excited because the odds of it working on the first try is against us. Now I am so excited that words cannot express my feelings. I believe that there is a chance it will work and the thought of Melissa getting pregnant is so amazing. I can't wait until we start this journey next week.

If you can't tell how excited I am just count the number of times I used excited in this post!

Headaches

I wish the world could just stand still. Is it too hard to have 1 month where everything is perfect and nothing goes wrong so that we can simply focus on TTC. Unfortunately, life around us continues to move without any consideration of our plans.

I swear I'm trying really hard to be all come and zen but I've had a headache for the past 7 days and I'll be the first to admit that it's probably stress related. Work is crazy right now, there are things that need to be fixed in our house and yard, along with coordinating ACL and our insemination. I did check one item off my to do list and got life insurance this week.

Amy keeps telling me to stop stressing about stuff and to let her take on the stress. But that's not the roles of our relationship, I'm the stresser and she is the laid back one. It's going to be hard to let go of control and hand it over to Amy to take over. Today is the first day in 7 days that I've been headache free so I'm taking that as a sign that I'm slowly letting go (NOTE: Amy says I'm totally not!)