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April 25, 2009

Pain

Melissa and I have had this blog for over two years now. We have always been selective on who we would let know about our blog. We only told a few family and friends. Because of this there have been times where we chose not to write something because we were trying to be sensitive to the feelings of others in real life (IRL) who read the blog. The reason we didn't give it to everyone was so we would feel free to openly speak our minds, while also still having a "normal" life outside of the baby making world.

The past two months have been VERY hard on both Melissa and me. I think it's clear that we have had a rocky time of things lately. Emotionally, we have both hit bottom more than once. One thing that's really helped us is the support of all of you who read our blog and share in our ups and downs (as we do yours). It's odd how in some ways we're all complete strangers, but we feel closer to you than some of our friends and family IRL.

As this whole process has dragged on it feels as though we are losing the support of the family and friends who have been participating in this journey with us. We don't hear those encouraging words anymore or feel the outreach of a little gesture that used to let us know that they were there for us.

Looking at it from their side of things it must be difficult to know when to say or do something, and when they do decide that something should be said what on earth are they supposed to say? It just feels like right now everyone is caught up and moving forward with their lives and leaving us behind. It just hurts.

26 comments:

queerstork said...

It's true, just as the depression starts to set in from all the BFNs and the rollercoaster of emotion, it seems like friends drift further and further into the periphery. It's lonely in this TTC world and I've often found great comfort coming from fellow bloggers.

You're right, I think that people just don't know what to say and maybe they don't understand what a struggle it is and why we continue to do what we're doing.

I'm sure that your friends will be back in your life once you turn the page on this chapter in your life. Stick with us in the meantime.

Stacey said...

sorry that you are at this point... we are always sending love and hope that the BFP is not far around the corner... I dont know what else to say but to let you know we are all here...

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear how sad you both feel. I am sorry your journey has not been an easy one. Keep at it because it will work. Our journey was also long, super long. I did about 2 years of inseminations that did not work and a total of 8 ivf's before I finally conceived our 2 boys. Don't give up. The journey might be long, really long, you might feel alone but in the end you will get there.

Rosany and Pam.

Lizzie said...

Just sending a big hug. I've done such a brutal job of pushing my friends and family away - "don't ask me how it's going! i'll let you know if anything good happens" - and not sharing my blog with people IRL. Privacy, protectiveness, I don't know. That's to say that I know in my case it's sort of my own fault. In your case, where you can feel people pulling away, it must be really, really hard. I'm so sorry. Big hugs. I think maybe people don't know what to say. And infertility is such a hidden shame. And maybe they didn't know they'd have to be on this ride for so long (like any of us did!) ... I'm sorry. Lots of love. At least the blogland is always here. xoxoxo

Malea said...

I think it's the nature of the beast. Others are always supportive when they are in the same boat as you,but as soon as they start to move forward..ie..BFP..they forget about the ones still working toward theirs.

I've seen it time and time again. Lots and lots of blogs while the things are in progress,then once pregnant the blogs decrease and sometimes even stop.

It's a time to take inventory of who really is a friend. Not that I count cyber friends as solid/important as IRL friends. Depth of character shows in good and bad times in all of us,so take whats given freely and leave the rest behind.If you don't expect anything then you won't be dissapointed in people.That way when you get support it means that much more.Make sense?... We are naturally just selfish.

Anonymous said...

Only hope that you know we all support you. I could say MUCH more but don't think this is the setting for it. Much love, Aunt DD

Next in Line said...

This journey is so frickin hard I don't even know what to say sometimes. Words feel so inadequate. I wish things were easier for you two.
Your blog brought tears to my eyes because I have been there and have felt similarly. A very select few IRL people know about my blog because in order to continue and get up everyday I had to pretend that everything was fine.
Fertility issues spreads a cloud over everything and rains on even close friendships. Consider me right beside you as you go through this.

Crayonboxes said...

I am here.... I don't get on very much anymore but when I do I always come and catch up on what's going on... I always pray that you will receive your bfp soon...*hugs*

oneofhismoms said...

I don't know exactly what your friends and family have done. But I do know that when someone I know is TTC, I try not to ask them about it, because I don't want to bring them back to that rolloercoaster or have to force them to give me bad news if they don't offer it to me. So maybe it's that.

At any rate, I smell a dirty diaper in your future. Peee eeeewwwe! While you're changing it, you'll have to say to yourselves, "Ohm was right, this thing is staaaanky!"

Gayby Rabies said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble getting the support you need from family and friends. I'm sure they're still thinking of you and rooting for you even if they aren't very vocal about it in your presence. Sometimes it's hard for people who aren't going through the process to know what to say. They might think they're doing you a favor by not talking about something that's obviously very emotional.

Creamy Silver said...

I think most people care, they just don't know how to express it. They don't realize that avoiding the subject is often more hurtful than talking about it. I know in my family when we announce I'm pregnant no even congratulates me anymore, they just wait on 'the call' that it's over. That's so hurtful but I don't think they're trying to be insensitive. No one really understands until they've been a mile in your shoes.

amyjay said...

Yes, yes, and yes. I so wish I did not know what the h@ll you were talking about.

vee said...

Reading this made me sad for you both, though I'm glad you have this wonderful online support.

As folks have said, I think people just struggle with what to say eventually. And I know for me, they were probably too scared to say anything, lest I bit their head off, went into a rant or burst into tears. There was NEVER a right thing for them to say. I was angry all the time and I thought IF had damaged me forever. I'm sure your family and friends are with you in their hearts. You will get there.

Two Moms With A Plan said...

I know what you mean... we used to get questions about ttc all the time, now it's just a question every now and then from different friends and relatives... I think that's because they see how disappointed we are when we tell them "this time didn't work", or they see our hopes really high during the tww only to see AF at the end. Maybe they choose not to jump on the rollercoaster with us. Although sometimes I wish they would. Thank god for blogging... it really is free therapy and to find others on the same rollercoaster is a blessing!

Pufferfish said...

You know, I haven't been commenting for awhile on blogs because even I didn't know what to say. But this post made me realize that I have to say something. I think I'm also guilty of being silent and yet I completely understand where you are coming from.
I have a lot of friends IRL who read my blog who have stopped commenting to me in person anything about the blog and what's going on. I find that incredibly strange b/c they know all of the details and yet they still say nothing.
Sometimes I think people don't know what to say anymore. I don't. I never thought I would be in the same boat, over a year later, with so many women who are still trying, still struggling, and still living with broken hearts.
I'm sorry we are all going through this.
But I'm glad we have all found this space to be ourselves and to find comfort that we are not alone in this.

A said...

So true! I only have 1 friend IRL that knows about my blog and I wish I had never shared it with her. I don't like having to becareful about what I say because she might read it. She has no clue about what I went through or what K's going through now. Actually she's not even gay so she can't even relate to that part either. All the blogs I follow and everyone who follows me are strangers technically but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I hope things turn around for you ladies and I'll continue to be here.

Keri said...

Just wanted to send some love. There's definitely more out there than you're aware of, for sure - look at all these wonderful comments from those who share you story.
I completely understand where you're coming from. If we could all meet IRL, how amazing it would be. Hold on to each other. Something beautiful is bound to happen.

Anonymous said...

Hope you both know that we are all with you, love you and support you forever and ever!!!! Mom

Anonymous said...

Hi...I am a stranger who just came across your blog the other day. :)

I just wanted to tell you that I went through this too. After awhile, my friends and family IRL stopped encouraging us in our ttc journey. Even if I made a comment about it, I no longer got the "I know this will happen for you" or "I know you'll be a mom one day" comments. It was like they all gave up. Really sad!

My online buddies have become my biggest source of encouragement. We finally got our BFP last week and haven't told family or friends IRL yet. I figure they can just wait awhile; they don't seem to care much anyway!

I hope you get a happy ending to your story soon. We ttc for 18 months before it happened. The waiting sucks, but when it happens it will all be well worth it.

Baby dust!

poppycat said...

I'm sorry sweetheart. Its going to be okay.

Claudia said...

I love and miss you guys so much. Please know that Frank and I are always thinking about you.

La said...

Oh the journey...how we too know the disappointment and hurt. Our heart aches for you both. Sometimes we don't know what to say, but we're always checking in and holding you close in our thoughts and prayers.

mekate said...

New to your blog, but love your voice and am so glad you have been sharing your journey here. It is so hard when folks are going through something hard-- it is hard to know what to say, or whether to mention it. With any loss, folks get awkward, and yes, fade away. It is so important to have a few people who you can count on for the support you need, even if you need to tell them-- Hey, I am having a fragile day today and just need reassurance.. or cookies...or an encouraging word. The internet is such an amazing place and from all of your amazing commenters you so clearly have a big beautiful support system here-- but real life people really matter. I totally get that.

I am so sorry for your difficult times and so hopeful things will turn around for you soon. Wishing you both all the best.

tbean said...

Thinking of you both. We started at a pretty similar time (nov 07) and I can completely relate to friends and family backing away from us and from asking about it. Are they sick of us talking about it? Are they wondering why we haven't given up and moved on? Are they afraid to hurt our feelings by bringing it up? Do they just not know what to say? Who knows. A combination of all of the above.

TTC is lonely. Getting over 1.5 years of trying and no success is lonely. You start to feel totally broken and as if no one else can imagine how hard it has been. But we do. We're here with you. I promise. hugs.

K said...

The "left behind" feeling is terrible. I'm so sorry you're in that place.

I can't add much to the eloquent comments you've already received, but I wanted to let you know I'm still reading and hoping so hard for you.

tiff said...

Still following your journey, still hoping it happens soon and knowing it will. This is so hard...I can only imagine how you guys feel.

Sending love your way and letting you know we're still here, reading and always hoping.

xo