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September 13, 2010

Truthiness

Well we've officially been in Toronto one whole week. I was debating about what I was going to write on the blog about everything, should I just go with the canned response of "everything is fine" or "we're getting settled" but then I realized I had to be honest because that really is the point of this blog. To document our lives so we can look back and remember.

So the answer to the question of "How is everything going?" is that this is really hard and lonely. I'm not a big change person and here I am thrust into a situation where EVERYTHING is different and I know no one. I guess you can say it's getting better. I used to cry at least once a day about being here but the tears have stopped and I'm slowly starting to accept that this is our new life.

The first day we arrived Amy picked us up from the airport and made a comment when about going home. It felt so wrong for her to use that term for this place that we live, it's a house it's not our home. Home for me is still Austin.

I so desperately miss my friends, Jack's daycare, our house where Jack was born, even the little things like our grocery store. Even though I was born and raised in Canada it feels like such a foreign place. Amy and I joke that if we had moved to some far off country it might be easier because you expect things to be different. But living here and it being in some aspects very much like the US it makes the difference all the more jarring.

I think the hardest adjustment for me is being thrust into the roll of stay at home mom. In someways I feel like I'm just bumbling along trying to keep the day exciting for Jackson while at the same time not losing my mind being cooped up in the house most of the day. I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job. My feelings are only made to feel more real when Jackson cries most of the day. Rationally I know he's upset because of the two new teeth he has coming in but emotionally I think it's because hes not happy with me. I'm going to try to venture out to a baby thing this week at one of the Ontario Early Years Centers and see how it goes, maybe it will help lift both our spirits.

I know it will get better, I know I need to move forward, I know I need to get out of the house, I know these things. I know that things will get less hard and be less lonely over time. I really do, it just doesn't help in the moment.

19 comments:

addingbaby said...

I'm sending you love and support, Melissa. It has to be so hard to be so far away from what you're familiar with and those you love.

Maybe each day, try and venture out to find that great little coffee place near you, the best park, or a place that you'll feel some respite when you visit. Get a massage! This is so much change for you, and your health is so important.

I know you "know" this...just wanted to send you some support.

Loralou said...

We moved house a couple of months ago to a new place and I am the same as you stay at home Mum and with no friends at the moment.
It gets so lonely during the day, and I find myself not saying anything at all for hours on end.
Now the new school year has started again we have more of a schedule. Going to baby groups is hard as they all know each other somehow!
Anyways, I know how you feel as I am living it myself.

Beth said...

Thanks so much for sharing how things really are with us. Knowing things will get better doesn't always help with right now, but they will.

Ching goes back to work next week, so I'll be the SAHM home all day, too - so IM me anytime if you're in gmail.

H2 said...

Hugs Melissa. I always say I'd like to move far away, but I don't think I would deal well. I'm glad you're starting to adjust. Maybe checking out the baby events will help you get acquainted to the area. Sending you lots of positive vibes. :D

K said...

Wow, this post captures exactly what I fear most about our plans to move (back) across the country sometime in the next year. Our move - whenever it happens - will be precipitated by a new job for M which means I will be a SAHM for as long as it takes me to find a job of my own. I remember how boring and scary and lonely it was when I first moved here (another cross-country move), and I can only imagine how much harder it is when you have a little person depending on you every minute and you can't drive around for hours just to get your bearings, or lose an entire day researching services in your new city on the internet, or simply sit in a heap and mope when you feel the need. Those are all the things that got me through last time and I'm acutely aware there won't be any space for them this time around. Sometimes I think we're crazy for planning the move, but we HAVE to get closer to family.

Sorry to leave such a "me-me-me-me-me" comment. I just wanted to say that I can understand this as much as someone can who has only thought (A LOT) about it can. Moving is hard, hard, hard under the best of circumstances. I know nothing but time can build the sense of home you are missing so much, but I hope the first beginnings of those connections will start forming for you soon. Thanks for being so honest with us about where you're at.

tbean said...

Moving is hard and I hate to say it but a week really is very little time to have passed. As someone who has made several cross-state relocations, I know how hard and sucky and confusing the early days are. Most recently, we moved a year ago. It was a new city (40 mile distance) but same state, which made it a tad easier. But it was still rough. And I remember saying to myself: This is just going to suck for a while and then it will get better. The only thing that helps with familiarity and getting settled is time passing. So in the meantime, give yourself permission to cry and hate it and to feel like it sucks. It will get better. Unfortunately, only slowly though.

Lisa said...

It's probably easier said than done but in your spare time, pack Jack up in the stroller or car and go explore your new surroundings. Does the library offer a baby and me program. Meeting other moms may really help. Sending you tons of hugs. Is there anything from the states that you would like to ease the transition? I would be more than happy to send something in the mail.

Shannon said...

I can't even imagine what a big change this would be and how hard it must be. I've never done anything like that. It's a huge adjustment. HUGE. Hopefully with time you'll meet people and feel more settled.

Stacey said...

Sorry you're going through such a huge, difficult change. I'm friends with Shannon (above) and J (J&D). We are in Ajax (just east of Toronto) and would love to get together with you--help you make new friends, especially 2 mom friends. We have a 3.5 year old daughter named Riley and a 17 month old son named Jackson. You can email me at stacey_bourgeois@hotmail.com

I also have a blog but it's private so let me know if you want an invitation.

OEYC are awesome! I loved the one in Scarborough the most. I found it really helped to get out of the house while on mat leave. Other things to check out are Stars & Strollers (matinee movies where you can take your baby--lights are slightly up, sound is quieter and no one cares if your baby makes noise) and communicty centre pools--some of them have free swimming for 0-6 years during the day.

Change is always hard. Toronto can be a lonely place because people are really wrapped up in their own lives. I used to get lonely when I lived by myself but I've since expanded my circle of friends and have some great ones now.

Strawberry said...

Moving to a new place (especially a different country) is one of the most stressful things a person can do. It's ok to be feeling down and it will take a while to find your niche, but keep your chin up. I think you will eventually come to call it your home.

Somethingtogrow said...

I'm sorry to hear the transition is so hard. Sending virtual hugs your way.

Next in Line said...

That is a big move and to suddenly be staying at home is a big change too. You and Jackson are going to find your mama and baby gang soon. You are in Canada and there are lots of very cool mamas with a full year hanging with babies.

Svillage said...

I know this is hard, and I'm sorry. After I had A, and I was far away from my peeps, I found it very useful to join some mom groups.

Also, after we finally did move closer to home, A had a really hard time adjusting. Looking back, I think it was a few months. He was teething too, and we were also stressed - none of those things could have helped; but I think too that a big move like that is a lot of change for a precious little one. He'll be ok; he'll come around; it's not you!

Hang in there. It's hard, I know.

Anonymous said...

www.lgbtqparentingconnection.ca

They have all sorts of great programs and events. A great way to connect with people here in T.O.

A+K said...

Just checking in and writing to say that I hope things are looking up a bit. :)

Shannan Riemer said...

I couldnt imagine but things will get better as soon as you get into the swing of things. One piece of advice, try to get out of the house once a day. that helped me when I went from working to barely working mom. Do they have a children's museum,storytime at the library, meetup.com? look up some mom groups and start making connections. I am thinking about you guys!
xo

kat said...

i hope things are going well in toronto. i look forward to hearing how jackson is doing as well you two. :)

Somethingtogrow said...

It's been awhile since you've posted, so I thought I'd check in to see how you're doing. I hope the adjustment is getting easier!

Anonymous said...

hey, stumbled on your blog. Hope things are looking up for you. My partner and I are moms to a 16mth old and live downtown toronto. We're part of a great network of queer moms and I'd be happy to connect with you if you're still looking to connect. Email me at angelamorgran@yahoo.ca