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January 2, 2009

Bad Day

I was so hoping this year would begin with a happy start but all I feel today is sad, disappointed and like a failure. Follicle scan was a bust again with follicles being too small. So now I'm on Provera waiting for our next try.

This is starting to become a very very old and tired story. 18 months of the same crap month after month has started to have a negative effect on me and my life. All this process has done is slowly chip away at my happiness. Feeling for months that I'm broken and a failure takes it's toll and I'm starting to wonder how much more I can handle. There are only so many tears I can cry.

I'm spending the rest of the day in bed with the covers over my head and then have to go out to dinner. Put on a fake happy smile and make small talk about things I couldn't care less about.

10 comments:

tbean said...

I'm so sorry today is such a bad day. I'm glad you wrote so we could be here to give you support.
Huge hugs to you. I feel every word you write--how many tears can I cry? How many times can I say and think the same things over and over? How many months can I endure? I feel a lot of happiness has been chipped away.

Thanks for your wonderful comment. I'm hanging in, sometimes barely, right there next to you. We can do this! xo

queerstork said...

I hope you'll consider cancelling your dinner plans if you can. There is no need to get out there and put on a happy face as a front.

However, sometimes forcing yourself out can make things feel a little better. Do what you feel you want to do, not what others need you to do.

I'm sorry you're having such a terrible day.

anofferingoflove said...

i'm sorry you're having a rough day and got such crappy news this morning. a forced break really sucks. i have spent many, many days curled up in bed, hiding under the covers. sometimes it's all that helps. sending you hugs.

Lisa said...

Oh Melissa, I'm sending you so much love.

vee said...

Nothing I can say will make it better, so I leave you a hug. Hang in there.

j.k-c. said...

(((hugs)))

eeney meeney miney mommy said...

I had to break for those same reasons. Too much heartache and broken hope can really tarnish even the shiniest heart. I wish there was something I could do for you but I can't so I'll just send some hope and love your way instead. xo

A said...

{{{HUGS}}} I'm so sorry. I too had to skip this month because I didn't have the right size follicles. IT SUCKS!! I understand feeling like a failure, but we shouldn't. We shouldn't!! I don't know that I have the right thing to say, but know I'm here. Going through this with you. Better days will come. I promise.

Next in Line said...

Oh sweetie. Dam it. Sometimes the best thing to do is go under the covers for a while. Best of luck getting through this and then mustering up the courage to start the next cycle.

K said...

Crap. I am so sorry to read your update. I hope the Provera makes a big difference for you and you have a totally different experience next cycle. I remember so clearly how frustrating it was to feel time slipping away, wondering what our silver bullet would be. Sending big hugs your way...