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January 5, 2009

Moonlighting

A few years ago there was an episode of Oprah where Martha Stewart's daughter (her name escapes me at the moment) was talking about her struggles with infertility and the IVF process she was going through. I remember watching it amazed at how cold and distant she seemed to be about the whole process at one point equating the whole process of TTC to a job. I learned two things from watching that episode. 1) Never make comments about someone's feelings, actions or intentions unless you have been in their position and 2) she was absolutely right.

This whole process has been a second job where I hate almost all of my coworkers, am getting paid minimum wage and am having to work every single weekend. I now realize that her cold and distant tone was not one of lack of caring or emotions but rather a protection mechanism to shield herself from all the disappointments that come with this second job.

Given all that we have been through I have decided to cut back on my hours and go down to part-time with my second job. To me this means starting to buy clothes again with not worrying about how long I'd be able to wear them, starting to run again, making future plans with no worry if I will be able to go, taking advantage of these times when I'm forced to go on a break and to slowly start to enjoy life again.

There are only so many things that I can control. I used to control those things but along the way I loosened my grip and now find myself in the position of helplessness. It's time to start reclaiming my control over what I can. Maybe I'll start my calling in sick to my TTC job and go out for drinks instead :)

5 comments:

A said...

Wow, your blog is always so powerful. You make perfect sense. It is a job. A very stressful job. I hope you find the joy you deserve so much.

anofferingoflove said...

what a great idea! i wanna call in sick to my TTC job too (especially on those early morning ultrasound days!!)

tbean said...

I have long come to see that ttc is a second full-time job. It DEFINITELY affects my productivity at my regular job (you know, the one that PAYS me) and everything else you said is so true. It's something that I'm working on every.single.day.

Now that we're 1 year+ with no pregnancy, I've certainly way cut back my hours as well. More wine, more diet coke that I don't feel guilty drinking, more making plans in the future.

It is so hard but I just keep trying to live my life without feeling like I'm endlessly on pause.

xo

Next in Line said...

Buy the clothes, run and make plans! It is very hard to be in TTC limbo land. I seize as much life as I can. I still feel the limboness, but less.

Lisa said...

You will feel so liberated. Have fun with it.