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June 24, 2009

Fear

I think I've been holding it together pretty well. I'm making an effort to enjoy this pregnancy and not let fear come into it and rule my every thought.

I just found out a co-worker is miscarrying. She's 8 weeks along. I now feel like I'm drowning in fear, I can't keep my hands from shaking or get my heart to stop racing. I just don't want this to be us.

And I also fear when it's my turn to tell the office of our pregnancy. How her heart will break, how she will put on a smile but be crying inside and how she will think how her baby would have been born around the same time.

Why does TTC always have to be so hard?

15 comments:

addingbaby said...

I think it is only natural to worry, especially as we in the current/former ttc community are surrounded by the emotional challenges that come with the process.

I'm so sorry about your co-worker. I know you'll be a great friend to her as she grieves.

Laura said...

It really is hard. My partner and I just found out that she is pregnant (5 weeks now) after trying for 4 months and we are so excited, but trying to keep the news to ourselves as long as possible. a friend of ours just miscarried at 9 weeks. it is such a confusing mix of fear and excitement that i feel is taking over my life!

anyway, i am glad i stumbled across your blog since we seem to be in the same boat.

MaMaMia said...

try your hardest to enjoy it. the very same day i found out i was pregnant with our 3rd child i received an email from friends telling us they were miscarrying after 4 years of IF treatments and this was their 3 round of ivf. it totally sobered me and made my mind swirl with thoughts about how did i deserve this when they have been through so much. i was already blessed/lucky to have two children, etc. i robbed myself from joy and i still feel bad that i didn't enjoy the pregnancy more as it is most likely my last.
so, make the most of this totally awesome special time for the two of you!

piecesofgray said...

Ugh, that is so hard. We've all been there so many times. We know it's tough but we also know the joy we felt for others at the same time. She'll be there too.
Try to relax and enjoy yourselves. You deserve it as much as every other mother.

anofferingoflove said...

i think its great that you are giving some consideration to how your annoucement will affect your co-worker. im sure you will figure out a way to share you excitement with the office (rightfully so), while being sensitive to her feelings.

She said...

ttc was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life. your faced with so many ups and downs. it is natrual to be afraid...I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. just a few weeks ago i was in your shoes..scared, very emotional and nervous. nervous that any second we could loose our baby. i had to let go and let god. i think that most of us are so bruised and beat up from ttc month after month, that when we finally get pregnant you feel as though your dreaming and any minute you will wake up and have it gone. just remember what ever happens..that it was meant to be. but everything is gonna be alright and you two will have a beautiful healthy baby in a few months.

Lisa said...

You are such a rock star being so considerate of your coworkers feelings a few weeks from now. I know people wished there were more people like you out there in the world.

Try to enjoy your pregnancy. Focus on making the baby knitted items and journaling to help the time go by. 8 months from now, you'll be holding a wonderful bundle of joy.

Lisa said...

P.S. I have a baby's knitting book that I can copy some patterns out of if you are interested. They are simple but very cute patterns.

tbean said...

How sad. And scary for you. Her pregnancy is not your pregnancy. You will be okay. And your work friend will be too.

Next in Line said...

Oh gosh this journey can be so hard. I am so sad for your friend.

Hang in there. The fear will lessen. When the ttc process has been so long and difficult it is hard not to expect disappointment at ever turn. The reality is most women have healthy normal pregnancies. Fight fear with facts.
xoxoxox

Anonymous said...

I know it will be hard to tell your friend. I also know that you are nervous about your situation. You are a compassionate person with feelings for others going through the same experience. Her time will come again and you can rejoice with her. Much love. Aunt DD

Naomi said...

Just try to stay positive and enjoy your pregnancy. It's a hard thing to do when you've worked so hard to get where you are. Just know that you are in our thoughts...best wishes for your ultrasound!! When I had my first ultrasound I was a blubbering mess...it's amazing and can't wait for you to experience it!
As for the co-worker...you are sweet to take her feelings into consideration, but you have to remember that your journey hasn't been an easy one. You guys deserve this and just try to stay positive!!

Anonymous said...

Fear is normal, it does not feel good but it is normal. I had fear from the moment I found out we were pregnant until I held our son in our arms! I promised to myself the second time around I would be different, I would enjoy it, but as much as I tried fear my my constant companion.
Stay strong. It will be ok.
Rosany and Pam

Gayby Rabies said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your co-worker. I think that you're intelligent and sensitive enough to handle the matter delicately with her. Depending on how well you know her, she might appreciate you simply acknowledging how difficult it will be for her to hear your news. I wish that TTC didn't have to be so hard. It would be so nice if everything could be smooth sailing after the BFP!

mekate said...

fear sucks rocks,
and so does this horrible survivor guilt. Just tell her somehow, slip her a note and squeeze her arm and let her read it alone. I hate that your joy will in any way be tempered by someone else's loss. You deserve to revel. Please do.

Warmly,
Kate