I feel as though the first year of Jackson’s life was all about holding on. Holding on to my sanity, trying to hold on to my friendships as I changed and became a mother but mostly about holding on to this sweet little boy as he cried, fed and slept. I got a call from daycare yesterday telling me that Jackson had taken a bit of a spill while practicing his walking skills and got a nasty scrape down his back. He’s fine, no harm done. But this event and his quickly approaching first birthday makes me realize that the next year of his life will be a theme of learning to let go.
I’ve (half) joked that when Jackson started standing and eventually ventured off with his first steps that I should start pushing him down so that he would never learn to walk or gain the tools needed to achieve some independence from me. But he cannot be stopped, and as he’s learned new skills I’ve also learned that I have to slowly loosen my grip. In order for him to learn, I have to let him fall, get hurt, basically become a big boy. But I’m finding this so hard because as all these changes are happening my instinct is to tighten my grip on him instead of releasing some of the control, anxiety and heartache I feel. I'm focused on the tears he will shed when he falls down or the time he no longer turns to me to be nursed, instead of revealing into the person he is becoming.
Jackson is developing this amazing, mischievous personality and everyday I witness his curiosity and wonder at the world around him. The way he says kitty and ball make me smile; when he takes a few tentative steps towards my open arms I am so proud. Every day he continues to explore that world and everyday I share in his enjoyment but along with this enjoyment is a little twinge of sadness of a time we are leaving behind.
8 years ago
7 comments:
I know exactly what you mean. I remember having such a hard time with the big transitions with Erik that meant a bit of babyhood was being left behind, and I have them now with Ian too. I remember with Erik, when I'd give him his bedtime bottle, I'd often find myself crying (this was a regular occurrence) thinking that we wouldn't always have that time when he was little enough to lie in my arms like that. The good news is that they become even more amazing as toddlers. They're so much fun, so challenging, so cute, and you still get to hold them close even if the ways you do that have to change over time. The best is yet to come! :)
I too know this feeling. I am going through these exact emotions and just last night as chunk tried to step forward and face planted; we are learning that his development will come with some growing pains for all of us. It is most definately bittersweet having our babies transform into big boys.
It can be strange for time to go so quickly. You always want to remember these moments when they're small. As Shannon said, the good part is they become amazing individuals and I REALLY love when they talk up a storm and play and just become these awesome kids. It'll be just fine and letting go is just part of the difficulties of being parents. :)
God, you almost made me cry reading that. It's so corny when people say they grow up fast but I'm certainly realizing that it's true. I can't believe in less than 2 weeks, he's going to be 1. Give yourself a big pat on the back and a treat for making it through the first year. You're an awesome mama.
They do grow up way too fast. So big, too fast.
i remember feeling the exact same way when Jacob was Jackson's age..I have to say its a constant struggle for me. So,I created rules for myself. If he falls down I count to three(unless is major) before I run to get him and when I do, I explain to him he just lost his balance because of the shoe and then he hit the floor and the floor is hard ect..it worked like a charm.
now i have to learn the playground rules...
I just proofread my comment-hopefully you can still translate mommy brain.
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