January 28, 2009


I don't think I've ever mentioned that I'm surrounded in my life by the number 7.

7s in my life:
- my first name is 7 letters long
- my birthday is 03/07/77
- when you add up all the numbers of my birthday (3+7+1+9+7+7=34 3+4=7 )it breaks down to the number 7
- Amy's first name is 3 letters and her last name is 4 = 7
- we got married on 07/09/07
- when you add up all the numbers of our wedding date it breaks down to the number 7

So today I am on CD7 of Try#7 on 100mg clomid (headaches have finally gone away). We go in next Tuesday for our first follicle scan (which when you add up the numbers of that date break down to the number 7!!). We haven't had much luck with first follicle scans so here's hoping the power of 7 will bring us some luck.

January 6, 2009


So one day after writing about TTC being a job I hate and don't get anything out of except negativity, I get a paper emailed to me by a co-worker written by David Whyte. The paper is called Keats and Conversation: The new and newly youthful world of work. Although, it was meant to be read and put into context with my paying job, two paragraphs really jumped out at me as it truly spoke to how I should look at my TTC job.

"In work as in life, we must contemplate the loss of everything in order to know what we have to give; it is the essence of writing, the essence of working, the essence of living; an essence that we look for by hazarding our best gifts in the world, and in that perspective, all of us are young and have the possibilities of the young until our last breath goes out."


"Where we find obstacles in the physical world, the soul finds a shoreline which is a frontier of arrival between the visible and the invisible. The soul of an individual is the longing inside each person for a greater sense of belonging, for a new country. We go through most workdays forgetting that this grand migratory force exists within us. We may feel a small satisfaction in a step taken, while the soul feels as if it is in anchored off the Promised Land, with just a short row to bring it home. As the level of our souls, no matter the difficulty in our work, or the responsibilities, or the possibility of failure, entire new worlds are coming into being."

I thought this might help boost the spirits of some who find themselves feeling a bit hopeless at the moment and hating their TTC job. It helped me look at my second job in a different light.

January 5, 2009


A few years ago there was an episode of Oprah where Martha Stewart's daughter (her name escapes me at the moment) was talking about her struggles with infertility and the IVF process she was going through. I remember watching it amazed at how cold and distant she seemed to be about the whole process at one point equating the whole process of TTC to a job. I learned two things from watching that episode. 1) Never make comments about someone's feelings, actions or intentions unless you have been in their position and 2) she was absolutely right.

This whole process has been a second job where I hate almost all of my coworkers, am getting paid minimum wage and am having to work every single weekend. I now realize that her cold and distant tone was not one of lack of caring or emotions but rather a protection mechanism to shield herself from all the disappointments that come with this second job.

Given all that we have been through I have decided to cut back on my hours and go down to part-time with my second job. To me this means starting to buy clothes again with not worrying about how long I'd be able to wear them, starting to run again, making future plans with no worry if I will be able to go, taking advantage of these times when I'm forced to go on a break and to slowly start to enjoy life again.

There are only so many things that I can control. I used to control those things but along the way I loosened my grip and now find myself in the position of helplessness. It's time to start reclaiming my control over what I can. Maybe I'll start my calling in sick to my TTC job and go out for drinks instead :)

January 2, 2009

Bad Day

I was so hoping this year would begin with a happy start but all I feel today is sad, disappointed and like a failure. Follicle scan was a bust again with follicles being too small. So now I'm on Provera waiting for our next try.

This is starting to become a very very old and tired story. 18 months of the same crap month after month has started to have a negative effect on me and my life. All this process has done is slowly chip away at my happiness. Feeling for months that I'm broken and a failure takes it's toll and I'm starting to wonder how much more I can handle. There are only so many tears I can cry.

I'm spending the rest of the day in bed with the covers over my head and then have to go out to dinner. Put on a fake happy smile and make small talk about things I couldn't care less about.