Irony

So one day after writing about TTC being a job I hate and don't get anything out of except negativity, I get a paper emailed to me by a co-worker written by David Whyte. The paper is called Keats and Conversation: The new and newly youthful world of work. Although, it was meant to be read and put into context with my paying job, two paragraphs really jumped out at me as it truly spoke to how I should look at my TTC job.

"In work as in life, we must contemplate the loss of everything in order to know what we have to give; it is the essence of writing, the essence of working, the essence of living; an essence that we look for by hazarding our best gifts in the world, and in that perspective, all of us are young and have the possibilities of the young until our last breath goes out."

and

"Where we find obstacles in the physical world, the soul finds a shoreline which is a frontier of arrival between the visible and the invisible. The soul of an individual is the longing inside each person for a greater sense of belonging, for a new country. We go through most workdays forgetting that this grand migratory force exists within us. We may feel a small satisfaction in a step taken, while the soul feels as if it is in anchored off the Promised Land, with just a short row to bring it home. As the level of our souls, no matter the difficulty in our work, or the responsibilities, or the possibility of failure, entire new worlds are coming into being."

I thought this might help boost the spirits of some who find themselves feeling a bit hopeless at the moment and hating their TTC job. It helped me look at my second job in a different light.

Moonlighting

A few years ago there was an episode of Oprah where Martha Stewart's daughter (her name escapes me at the moment) was talking about her struggles with infertility and the IVF process she was going through. I remember watching it amazed at how cold and distant she seemed to be about the whole process at one point equating the whole process of TTC to a job. I learned two things from watching that episode. 1) Never make comments about someone's feelings, actions or intentions unless you have been in their position and 2) she was absolutely right.

This whole process has been a second job where I hate almost all of my coworkers, am getting paid minimum wage and am having to work every single weekend. I now realize that her cold and distant tone was not one of lack of caring or emotions but rather a protection mechanism to shield herself from all the disappointments that come with this second job.

Given all that we have been through I have decided to cut back on my hours and go down to part-time with my second job. To me this means starting to buy clothes again with not worrying about how long I'd be able to wear them, starting to run again, making future plans with no worry if I will be able to go, taking advantage of these times when I'm forced to go on a break and to slowly start to enjoy life again.

There are only so many things that I can control. I used to control those things but along the way I loosened my grip and now find myself in the position of helplessness. It's time to start reclaiming my control over what I can. Maybe I'll start my calling in sick to my TTC job and go out for drinks instead :)

Bad Day

I was so hoping this year would begin with a happy start but all I feel today is sad, disappointed and like a failure. Follicle scan was a bust again with follicles being too small. So now I'm on Provera waiting for our next try.

This is starting to become a very very old and tired story. 18 months of the same crap month after month has started to have a negative effect on me and my life. All this process has done is slowly chip away at my happiness. Feeling for months that I'm broken and a failure takes it's toll and I'm starting to wonder how much more I can handle. There are only so many tears I can cry.

I'm spending the rest of the day in bed with the covers over my head and then have to go out to dinner. Put on a fake happy smile and make small talk about things I couldn't care less about.

A Year in Review

I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions but I have set the intention to be a better blogger in the New Year. In the meantime I saw this on someone else's blog and thought it was a neat idea. We are very much looking forward to putting this year behind us and starting 2009!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
AMY: Went to Europe
MELISSA: Volunteered as a Pet Therapy handler, done agility classes and knitted.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

BOTH: We don't make resolutions

3. Did anyone close to you give birth
BOTH: Lots of people! in 2008 there have been 5 births and 3 pregnancies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

BOTH: Yes. Amy's grandma passed away in June.

5. What places did you visit?
BOTH: We went to Amsterdam (and other cities in the Netherlands), Berlin, Munich, Dachau, Tulsa, Okemah, Fort Worth.
AMY: I also went to Toronto and Las Vegas

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

BOTH: A BABY!!

7. What day from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

BOTH: The day we got the phone call that they thought Amy's dad was dying and needed to get home ASAP. Also, the day of Amy's grandma's funeral.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

MELISSA: That we spent the whole year TTC and I'm still not giving up hope. Training Campbell to be a therapy dog.
AMY: Being asked to help open one of the restaurants in Toronto.

9. What was your biggest failure?

AMY: Doesn't believe in failures. I believe you learn from your mistakes and challenges in life and that's why there is no such thing as a failure.
MELISSA: Not getting pregnant.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
AMY:Just the flu and a nasty shoulder injury from Wiiing too much.
MELISSA: The flu and surgery to remove ovarian polyps.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
AMY: Our trip to Europe and Rock Band.
MELISSA: Europe and Fern (even though she was technically free her vet bills she weren't)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

BOTH: We both deserve celebration!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

AMY: The state of California
MELISSA: Those who supported Prop 8

14. Where did most of your money go?

BOTH: Europe and fertility bills.
MELISSA: My car.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

AMY:Going to Toronto and Europe
MELISSA: Amy agreeing to keeping Fern and going to Europe

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
AMY: Pink "So What"
MELISSA: Katy Perry "I Kissed a Girl" and

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?
AMY: Happier (cause I have a better relationship with my sister), fatter (I need to lose 10 lbs), same
MELISSA: Sadder, same, same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
AMY: Drank more water and spent less time on the computer
MELISSA: Not let TTC run my life. Not hold off on buying clothes, attending events or making long term commitments because I thought I'd be pregnant.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2008?

BOTH: In a hotel in Tulsa before spending time with Amy's family for Christmas Dinner (aka Lunch). We then saw the movie Benjamin Button.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
BOTH: Yes, with Fern.

22. What are your three favorite photos of 2008?

AMY: Pictures of the animals and Europe
MELISSA: My post op pictures

23. What was your favorite TV program?

AMY: LOST, Prison Break and So You Think You Can Dance UPDATED: Dexter
MELISSA: LOST, Pushing Daisies, How I Met Your Mother and American Idol

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
AMY: I had a birthday week! I got to open a present everyday of my birthday week.
MELISSA: Drinks with the girls and Amy took me out to dinner

25. What was the best book you read?

AMY: Into Thin Air
MELISSA: Red Tent, Water for Elephants and Twilight Series

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

AMY: Boyce Avenue and Rock Band
MELISSA: Rock Band

27. What did you want and get?

AMY: To go to Europe and Toronto
MELISSA: A raise

28. What did you want and not get?

BOTH: Pregnant

29. What were your favorite three films this year?

AMY: Milk, Dark Knight and
MELISSA: Taxi to the Dark Side, Burn After Reading and Iron Man

30. Did you make some new friends this year?

BOTH: Yes we made new friends at work and through existing friends.

31.What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

AMY: Getting pregnant
MELISSA: Getting my Green Card and getting pregnant.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

AMY: What is this thing you call fashion?!?
MELISSA: Jeans and t-shirt

33. What kept you sane?

BOTH: Each other and the furry kids

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

BOTH: Prop 8.

35. Who did you miss?

AMY: My grandma
MELISSA: My dad
Both: Seeing Melissa's family

36. Who was the best new person you met?

AMY: Fern (she is a person to us)
MELISSA: Friends at work and those of you who's blogs we read

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

AMY: Life is short. Live it.
MELISSA: Go with your gut. I believe we would be in a different space right now instead of starting back at square one after 18months of TTC. We began to question the doctor for HSGs and injectables after Try #4 but continued to follow her plan even though we felt it wasn't right for us. For those who are just starting off the lesson I learned is don't even start trying until you have gotten you CD3 blood work done and had an HSG.

Prop 8 - The Musical

I thought this was great!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die