July 22, 2009

Advice Needed

So I've decided to officially out the pregnancy to work on Monday (there have been too many close calls of people finding out). As some of you may have read a co-worker suffered a miscarriage a couple weeks back and I want to be sensitive to her feelings about my announcement. My plan was to send her an email on Friday giving her a heads up about my pregnancy and my plans to announce on Monday. That way she has the opportunity to have a private reaction to the news and process any feelings it might bring up.

Where I need help is in what should I say. Should I stick strictly to the facts? Mention I know that this must be hard on her? Share how long we have gone through the process?

I'm sure I'm WAY over thinking it but the only feelings I know how to address are the ones from BFNs not miscarriages. How do you suggest I handle it without making it sound like I understand what she's feeling (because I don't) but at the same time being sensitive to those very feelings.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Stacey said...

I know from being with meg, at the moment it cuts deep still. Can you talk to her in person, maybe go for coffee one morning or even slip into her office, or antyhing like that? I guess just letting her know you really feel for her and her pain, that will help...and i guess expecting that she will be hurt from it, and she may shed a tear, but its not because you are pregnant or she is unhappy for you, its just remembering that she "should" still be pregnant too, and all that goes with it, eg the thougths "our babies would have been 3 weeks apart" etc... so dont feel bad if she is hurting, but i guess the most personal and sensitive way you can do it will be best and just letting her know you dont want to stir up those feelings in her and feel for her. x

Two Moms, Two Monkeys said...

I agree that maybe it should be in person. No matter how you say it, it is going to hurt, but just the fact that you are taking into consideration her feelings will be greatly appreciated. I think its great that you are giving her time to process before having to show face in front of others.

Pufferfish said...

I would have to agree. My first thought was that, although it's a quite difficult conversation to have, it would be much better in person.
You are such a good person to do this and take her into account.
Good luck.

Naomi said...

From someone that has suffered 2 miscarriages on the road to conceiving it will be hard for her to hear your news...BUT it will be easier to hear if you share some of your struggles with TTC too (it will make a connection). I was always kind of jaded towards those people that were pregnant right out of the gate, BUT I would also be so happy for those that finally conceived after a struggle.
I have a friend that has tried to conceive for 3 years and is now going through IUI's...I told her I was pregnant before I told anyone else. I didn't want to blind side her and "rub it in".
From just reading your blog I can tell that you are a geniune person and she will appreciate your thoughtfulness. Best wishes & let us know how it goes!

2momswithaplan said...

I agree with everyone's advice. I had a miscarriage while another co-worker was newly pregnant with number 2. It hurt me to see her pregnant (that's not a feeling that will go away when you're greiving) however, she is one of the kindest people I know and was very sympathetic to my pain. I wish you all the luck with tomorrow's news. I think its great that you are taking your co-worker's feelings into consideration when sharing this news! Please let us know how it goes!

Sarah said...

As another double miscarriage survivor, I'd agree with everyone. Just the acknowledgement from someone that they were thinking of my pain and my loss instead of ignoring it and being afraid to mention it would mean so much to me.

Anonymous said...

My first instinct was "maybe an in-person talk is best" but then I remembered advice I've seen from the likes of alittlepregnant and other big timers... the consensus seems to be tell someone by email or voicemail so that they can process privately and not be forced into acting happy for you.

I think you've got a good plan. I would share your story too and tell her that you're happy to be a listening ear as she keeps trying.

You're a very kind person. I know it will go well. And may I say... I'm thrilled that you're ready to go public. It's a wonderful feeling.

Anonymous said...

I have not experienced a miscarriage, so that this advice from an empathetic outsider. I think that there are pros and cons to in-person vs via-email. You should do whatever you feel is the most appropriate based on your relationship with this woman and your office etiquette (in that for some offices email is the mode for everything). I would tell her that you wanted to be sensitive to her recent loss and then tell her the news. To contextualize your journey you could say something like, "after trying for two years, I'm pregnant...etc...I will be announcing it on Monday..."

Anonymous said...

i think telling her in advance is a good idea. i also agree with the pp'er that there are pros and cons to doing it in person v. over email - id do whatever feels right based on your relationship and the office dynamics.

i dont think you should spend a lot of time talking about your own struggle to concieve (other than a brief mention along the lines of what someone else suggeted, "after years of ttc...") just dont dwell there or try to compare it to what she is going through. it took us two years to concieve our first pregnancy, so i am familiar with ttc pain too, but when my pregnant SIL tried to sympathize with my miscarriage by telling me they had struggled to get prengant also, it *really* hurt. losing a baby is a whole different kind of pain than ttc pain and she's not likely to be empathetic to your struggle in the midst of her own tragedy.

i think i would just tell her that you are aware she is mourning a loss right now and wanted to give her a heads up so she wouldnt be blindsided on monday. it gives her a nice opportunity to prepare and maybe avoid the excitement that will be going on (thats what i would have done 3 weeks post my m/c).

good luck with the conversation. and congrats on the upcoming "outing" on monday - its fun to finally get to make that announcement!! :)

J and D said...

I'm not able to offer an advice but wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing letting her know first. I hope the talk/e-mail goes well and good luck on Monday!

Claudia said...

I am in total agreement with everyone on this. Speak with her in person, but take it a step forward like Naomi mentions. Tell her first how much of a struggle your journey has been (if she doesn't already know) and that after everything you have been through, you are now pregnant. I know you're worried about her feelings, but it will all be fine.

Nic said...

OK, I am the opposite, I think you should send an e-mail. I know when I get preg news I find it really hard. Sometimes I feel like I wanna cry, sometimes I handle it well, depends on my mood. By sending an e-mail you will be able to word it better, give her time to digest, cry if she wants to and let it sink in. Give her some time and then speak to her in person.
Tell her that although you are happy to be pregnant, you will respect her recent loss, you will not shove your pregnancy in her face and that you understand if she struggles to be comepletly happy for you. You can explain a little about your TTC struggles so she knows that it wasnt a easy ride but dont make it all about you. Just let her know that you are so sorry for her loss, and that you hope your pregnancy will not be too hard on her.
Hope that helps

Susan said...

It is so kind of you to think of her feelings, and I think that however you decide to tell her, she will appreciate it. :)

You're a very nice girl, as my grandmas would say.

Ninefirefly said...

I think it might be better in an email too. Then she can have an honest reaction and not feel that she has to 'put on a happy face' for you while you are standing right there. You are really being very thoughtful with thinking this out though and I'm sure that she will see this and appreciate the time you are taking to consider her feelings.

Mina said...

An email is the best way, IMHO. I'm sure she will appreciate the fact that you are thinking of her, and considering her feelings in all of this. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I know I'm late to this comment party but I just wanted to say that you are very sweet for thinking of her feelings. It will hurt no matter what but let her know you understand and that any reactions or feeling she has toward you and your pregnancy are understandable and legit. It will be much easier for her to share concern for you and your baby knowing that you showed so much concern for her. I think sharing some of your struggles may be a good idea as well.
Good luck and enjoy your telling on Monday!