Last Day of the Year

We spent this morning at the midwife's office for our regular appointment. Bit is doing well and I'm trucking along only major compliant is heartburn from hell. I've basically taken to sleeping sitting up. It's hard to believe that after our next appointment we'll be going in weekly to see the midwife. One of the women in our prenatal class had her baby and the rest are in line to have their babies soon too. It still seems pretty crazy that we'll soon be part of that group.

Everyone keeps asking us if we're ready for Bit. My response is always no we're not ready. That's both true and false. Speaking practically we are ready, nursery is more or less done (we'll post pics when we are done with the finishing touches), we have our wills done, have taken classes, had our home study for the second parent adoption and are on multiple daycare waiting lists. In reality we're probably ahead of the game. But the truth is no amount of preparation will get us ready for Bit and as much as the planner in me hates that I also acknowledge that it's probably for the best. Try as I might I cannot fathom all the ways our world is going to change by Bit's arrival. I figure that if I go into it without any preconceived notions or set standards of how it should be we will be better off.

It's hard to believe that in 5 1/2 hours it will be 2010 and in 43 or so days our Little Bit will be here. Happy New Year everyone!

Keeping Busy

We have been bad bloggers lately. Since our last post we have had a shower and a check up on Bit. I will start with the shower that was hosted by our friends in Austin. It was great to see all our friends and my Aunt Kathy was able to come from out of town. It was very nice. Melissa’s mom and sister surprised us with gifts ordered via Calgary. It was a pleasant surprise to have gifts from them included in our shower. We have enough blankets to keep an army warm and many onesies made by our friends at the shower. The onesies were our favorite gift because it was so personal. Both of us hated opening all the gifts in front of everyone but we survived. One shower down and 3 more left to go.




On Wednesday, we had another midwife appointment. It was a big one because we were going to find out if Bit had flipped and take the test to check for gestational diabetes. Because we are doing a home birth Melissa wasn’t required to drink the nasty mixture we have heard about. She had to have a breakfast of 1 egg, 3 pieces of bacon, pancakes with syrup, and a glass of orange juice. The results are in, the good news is no diabetes, and bad news is that she has low iron levels and is anemic. So we just have to add another vitamin to the mix Floradix.

During our appointment we discusses ways to get Bit to flip including propping an ironing board on the side of our bed and having Melissa hang upside down three times a day. We had a plan for our next appointment we needed to have Melissa drink a big glass of wine to relax so they would move Bit around. However, we discovered during the appointment that Bit has actually flipped! We were so excited even though Melissa was looking forward to drinking a glass of wine.

We are down to the wire and now we have to have our appointments every two weeks. I know that with the holidays it is going to fly by quickly.

Our Niece Lily

Lillian Grace was born 11/20/2009 and we just got to meet her this week. It was great to see my sister and Lily and most of all to be there to help them out. Lily is a great baby and it was nice to get some practice in before Bit gets here in Feb. I have been meaning to post about Lily for a while but I have been very busy with work.

A couple of things we learned (and will be sure to remember) this week is if you are breastfeeding you have to be sure to eat your share of calories, drink lots of water and get rest or you'll have trouble producing enough quality milk. Jennifer (my sister) has no appetite so it's hard for her to want to eat anything. So we tried to give her easy food to eat like cheese cubes, popcorn and mixed nuts.

We also learned how important it is to have some help. Jennifer was so drained and we just went in, cleaned up the house, and did the dishes. We ran some errands for her and made dinners for them. The most important thing was she didn't have to ask us to do these things we just did them. The last night we were there I put Lily to bed while Jennifer and Melissa watched Glee. It was the first time Jennifer seemed to relax. I think it was nice for her to feel normal. We were happy to help her, Chris and Lily out for a couple days. So help is great but only helpful if you don't have to ask for specific things. This was a great lesson since we were debating about when we should ask for people to come to our house after Bit's arrival.


In other news, we are doing great but Melissa is starting to feel some of the effects of the third trimester. Aside from heartburn from hell she's having a difficult time sitting for long periods of time, especially in the car where she can't move around a lot. But overall we have nothing to complain about except Bit still hasn't appeared to flip, but we are still working on that. So here is the latest and greatest at 29 weeks.

Memory Lane

I've seen on a few blogs that people are looking back to what they were doing a year ago, how they were feeling and what not. I guess the holidays brings that out in you. I had to look back to see what was happening and to my surprise this time last year I was recovering from my hysteroscopy and laperoscopy. In someways it seems like eons ago that we were going through that hell but other times I'm surprised at how close to the surface all of those feelings are. I wonder if I'll ever get over and recover from those agonizing two years of TTC to a place where I'm not easily angered by someone else's sheer happenstance of getting pregnant or anothers lack of reverence at how lucky they are not to have struggled.

This pregnancy has not erased the bad memories like I naively thought it would but it has slowly started to heal our shattered hearts. So to all the ladies struggling to conceive this holiday season and to those that where meant to have babies in your arms right now but sadly don't, please know we are still here for you and have not forgotten how hard it is to do what you're doing. XOXO

Still Breech

Had a midwife's appointment today and Bit is still breech. Apparently Bit is destined to be a Olympic diver because he/she is in the pike position making a V shape, with head in the upper right and feet in the upper left. Our midwife isn't worried about this and thinks that Bit will flip by 32 weeks. In the meantime she has given us some tips on how to encourage Bit to take a nose dive.

1. Go to a pool and do somersaults or handstands (ummmm...NO WAY! I wouldn't even be able to do this if I wasn't pregnant.)
2. Shine a flashlight down the side of my belly
3. Play music lower down on my belly
4. Apply pressure to the outside of my pinky toes

Needless to say I will be trying 2-4 and leaving 1 for some other brave soul.

Next visit we'll be doing the glucose tolerance test. I've heard all these stories about how nasty the drink is so I was prepared for the worst. To my pleasant surprise my orders are to eat a very sugary breakfast. The example given was pancakes with syrup, big glass of orange juice and some eggs (I will be rounding the meal out with some crispy bacon on the side). This might be the best test prep I've ever had to endure!!

Must Have Deals and Books

I've found a few sites where I go to look up baby buying deals so I thought I'd share and was hoping you could share yours as well.

So far my go to sites are (names are clickable):

bTrendie(it's by invitation only so let me know your email and I can invite you in)
Mamabargains.com
Baby Cheapskate
Amazon - Daily Baby Deals

Also, we have the following books, are there any other must haves?
- Happiest Baby on the Block
- Baby 411
- The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night
- The American Academy of Pediatrics New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding

Wedding and Belly Shots

Last night our friend got married and we celebrated the event with friends and family. It was so much fun because Melissa, Bit and I got to dance the night away. It was amazing that Melissa had that much energy to hang all night. We had to be at the wedding by 4 pm and we got home at midnight. I think Melissa is paying the price today. She is exhausted and has no energy. Here is a picture of us at the wedding last night.



In other news my sister Jennifer is about a week or less from giving birth to her baby Lily. We are excited to finally meet Lily. It will be the first baby in the family so everyone is anxious for her arrival. It will be helpful that Jennifer is going to have a 2.5 month head start on us. She can give us tips on what works and what doesn't for Lily that might work on Bit. Jennifer lives about 3 hours from us so we can go visit. Melissa and I plan to visit them the first of December to help out and meet our niece.

It's been a while since we have posted a belly shot so I'll end with a new belly shot. Bit has be growing like a weed over the past 2 weeks. Melissa is doing great and only major issue has been daily heartburn. Time should start flying due to the holidays. I can't believe we only have 3 months until Bit is here.

Double Digits

I just realized that we are officially 98 days away from our due date. Amy feels like we've been in the second trimester forever, while I think we've totally blown through this pregnancy. But as fast as I feel we've moved seeing the number 98 put a whole new perspective on it for me.

We've had a lot of fun this trimester. Amy likes to lay her head on my belly and talk and sing to Bit. Bit is always sure to give Amy a kick or a punch to the face to let her know he/she is listening. Amy believes it's Bit giving her props for her great voice and oh so funny jokes. I on the other hand...

In other news, we got our crib yesterday! We were very excited and put it together right away. I've heard horror stories of shed tears and near divorces caused by putting together a crib so I went into the whole process with dread. It was easy peasy! We had that thing together in under 30min. I guess it helps that we didn't get anything super fancy. We'll be sure to take pictures of the room once everything is in place.

Some people have been asking about the Babies and Dogs class we're going to take in January. The training facility where Campbell got certified as a therapy dog teaches that class at certain times throughout the year. They'll teach us how dogs see kids from birth to adolescence along with how to handle Cam and Bit. I'll be sure to post more about what we learned and share all the information we get once we take the class.

Gettin'r Done

We are checking things off left and right from our to do list.

DONE:
- finished registry
- bought crib
- bought dresser (will serve as changing table)
- bought bookshelf
- bought car seat
- bought stroller
- got lots of great baby must haves from friends
- getting our wills put together
- second parent adoption paperwork started
- on daycare waiting lists
- birthing classes start this weekend

STILL TO DO:
- interview pediatricians
- baby shower
- get last few baby items
- sew baby quilts
- finish knitted cap
- schedule home visit with social worker
- attend babies & dogs class

Our goal is to have everything done by the end of December so that the last stretch can be as stress free as possible. I honestly don't know how we would have done the registry on our own. It is a completely overwhelming experience. We solicited the help of new moms to help us register and look through our registry to let us know what was needed, nice to have or a complete waste of time. Their insight was invaluable and I highly recommend doing that if you are feeling lost.

We even got our first gift sent to us off of our registry. VERY FUN!!

Sometimes Violence is the Answer

If one more person tells me "Get used to it" or "You think it's bad now" I'm going to punch them in the face.

For example, we had a crappy neighbor night last night consisting of fire trucks and RockBand playing full blast at 2:00am. I think I'm entitled to be a little tired this morning. However, apparently I'm not allowed to be tired because I should "get used to it" because if "You think you're tired now wait until Bit arrives". REALLY?!?...Really?!? I'm not going to get as much sleep after Bit arrives? I had no idea! Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom with me.

I'm telling you PUNCH IN THE FACE!

Me Thinks it's Gestational Diabetes

Today's sonogram appointment went great. It looks like we don't have a velamentous cord insertion after all, it's just a marginal cord insertion. Which basically means instead of the cord branching off before it connects to the placenta (valamentous), Bit's cord is attached to the edge of the placenta instead of the center. So huge relief there.

Bit however, is one chunky monkey. "Normally" babies at Bit's week should be measuring about 1.5 lbs. Bit is weighing in at a hefty 2.5lbs and measuring in at 25 weeks 6 days (we are 23w5d). Bit's Buddha belly is measuring at over 27 weeks!! So the doctor was questioning if I have diabetes :(

We have a call out to the midwife to see if I should go in for a glucose test early and if I should be doing anything different diet wise. Any suggestions??

Other than that it was great to see Bit again. Everything looked great. It was very cool to see Bit opening and closing it's mouth and holding it's hands up by the face. I know I'm biased but Bit is one cute baby.

Bit's profile
Bit blowing smoke rings or it just might be a hand in the background


Bit's foot

Moms, Music and Midwives

Finally things are starting to slow down. We've had a crazy few weeks with both our moms in town (at the same time), the Austin City Limits Music Festival and a midwife's appointment. Amy's dad is coming in this weekend and then we are done with the family visitors until Bit's arrival.

Music
We had a great time at the festival. A crazy mix of weather days (some with sun and some with rain). But all in all it was a great weekend of music. We tried to make the most of it because we both realized we wouldn't be able to attend the 3 day music festival next year.

The bands that I loved that I had never heard of before were: Phoenix, Avett Brothers, Mute Math and Black Joe Louis and the Honey Bears.




Moms
We had a great time with our moms in town. My mom came in first and went to ACL and Amy's mom came later in the week. We did lots of shopping and eating. We even found sometime to tour some small towns around Austin and be goofy. This was the first time our moms have met and I think it went great. Both are VERY excited about Bit's arrival.




Midwives
We had our latest appointment yesterday. Bit seems to be doing well and getting bigger. We go in on Wednesday for an ultrasound to make sure Bit is gaining weight but based on the increase in belly size I think that we'll see a bigger baby than last time. Bit is still breach which makes sense since I'm feeling all the kicks down low and I'm not having that I have to go to the bathroom all the time feeling. I'm sure Bit will decide to do a somersault sooner or later.

We'll be back to posting more regularly and following up on all your goings on now that things have settled.

Peace of Mind

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. We spoke to the midwife and as many of you have said she totally reassured us that this isn't as huge a deal as it seems and to stop our internet searches ASAP!! Since I'm able to feel Bit move now and Amy has even felt a few nudges it seems all the more real to us and all the more scary when faced with the possibility that something can go wrong. But we are going to take a few deep cleansing breathes and go back to simply enjoying the pregnancy. Your words and reassurances meant a lot.


Bit at 19w3d (measuring 20w4d, weighing 14oz.)

1%

We had another ultrasound today with mixed results. Bit is doing really well. Everything looked normal, no cleft pallet, heart, brain and kidneys all look normal. Bit is weighing it at 14oz and is measuring one week ahead of schedule at 20w 4 days. We resisted the urge to look when they went to look at the baby bits so Bit's sex/gender is still a mystery.

The bad news from the visit is that it looks like we have velamentous cord insertion (which I have never ever heard of). This basically means that the umbilical cord doesn't insert into the mass of the placenta. The exposed vessels are not protected by Wharton's jelly and are vulnerable to rupture. Apparently, this only occurs in 1.1% of singleton pregnancies. Woo hoo! Lucky us.

Part of me feels like of course we fall into this 1%. This whole process hasn't gone our way or smoothly from the beginning so why should it now. Basically, I'm feeling extremely sad and scared for Bit that something will go very wrong. The doctor who's office we were in for the ultrasound wasn't in but the tech seemed unfazed. We'll have to go in for monthly ultrasound appointments to make sure Bit continues to grow, as lack of growth can be one of the complications. We have a call out to the midwife to see what this means for Bit and if our plans for a home birth are still possible. I'm hoping that I'm just overreacting and this really is going to be a non-issue since Bit is already measuring one week ahead which means he/she must be getting everything it needs. But I just keep thinking that if this only happens in 1% of pregnancies how can it not be a big deal?

Changes

Well, we have officially broken up with our OB. Nothing crazy bad happened to prompt the break up. It was more of a "it's not you, it's me scenario". We never ever really felt right there, everything was so rushed and of course clinical. The last straw was at our last visit when she happily announced that they were adding two more doctors to the practice bringing the total up to 7 and that we were welcome to make appointments with any of the doctor's not just her. We took that as a message that she really didn't care either way about us so we decided to make zero appointments with any of the doctor's.

Instead, we have decided to do a home birth with a midwife. We had talked about doing this in the beginning but chickened out by focusing on all the bad that could happen at home and all the good that would be available at the hospital. But the further we went down the OB/hospital path the less control we felt we were having in this whole process. Another big reason for the change is our whole TTC process has been so filled with needles, drugs, doctor's offices and surgeries that we just wanted to take back some of this pregnancy for us. And that's what this decision is, the right one for us. We know that not everyone will agree or understand our decision but we are truly happy and excited about this new direction.

Boys and Bellies

I've finally been given permission to post a belly shot. This week was a little rocky for Melissa. She has been having lots of leg and back cramps. She even broke out the Yoga for pregnant women to try to help her out. Most of her pain is in the evening or when she is sleeping so I thought I would buy her a body pillow to help. She really enjoyed the support of the body pillow and I think it will cut down on some of her back pain she is experiencing.

In other news, this weekend our friend came over and performed her "scientific" test to determine if our baby is a girl or a boy. She used a needle and thread and due to the direction the needle was swinging (back and forth mean boy, circles means girl) it looks like Bit's a boy.

I have to admit before we got pregnant I really wanted to know the sex of the baby. Now that we are pregnant I love the excitement of waiting to find out. Melissa told me if we have a second baby we can find out before hand but I think I like not knowing.



We are excited about the upcoming week because we have an appointment and get to look at Bit again and my sister is coming for a visit. We will give you an update this weekend after our appointment.

Carly and Anish Visit

Carly and Anish, our first of many visitors left for home today. Carly is Melissa's sister and Anish is her fiancé visiting us from Calgary. We had a great time eating some Austin cuisine and shopping at the outlets.

It was nice to see them because it had been 1.5 years since we last saw them. I can tell that Campbell (our dog) misses them both but Ivy (our cat) is very happy they’re gone.

I hope they had a great time. I would like to apologize to Anish about missing the numerous museums in Austin. Maybe next time he can focus more on this while Carly, Melissa and I watch reality television.

See "y'all" in December.

Still Here

We have been bad bloggers this month. We have been very busy getting ready for the multiple visitors we are expecting over the next 3 months.

We eliminated 25% of our "junk" to make more room for Bit. We added shelves in our garage to move some of our left over "junk" out into the garage. We painted Bit's room a neutral color (Harvest Wheat)since we aren't finding out if Bit's a boy or a girl. We got new carpet in all the bedroom's. Melissa ordered some decals to put in Bit's room. We even have purchased some clothes for Bit. So as you can see we have been B-U-S-Y.

Honestly, we really don't know what we should have at this point in the pregnancy. We are going to get help from some friends who have been there done that to help us figure out what to buy. We will most likely start buying baby furniture in October/November.

As for Melissa, she is doing great. She does suffer the ocasional headache and some leg cramps but overall this is a great time for us both.

I am doing well and love looking at Melissa's growing belly. I feel like I am glowing when I get to feel her belly. I am over protective of Melissa and Bit but that's just me. We plan on going to Melissa's family for Christmas in Calgary (7 weeks before due date). Our Doctor said unless we have any complications it should be okay. However, my sister's Doctor won't let her go over an hour from her house when she has 8 weeks left. It makes me a little nervous. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Wow, I am all over this place with this entry!

Identity Crisis

We had our OB visit this morning. Everything is looking good, Bit's heartbeat was 151. All in all it was actually a pretty routine visit compared to most. No ultrasounds or blood work just pee in a cup and ask my questions and we were out of there. Sounds pretty boring right, well it would have been if it wasn't for the mind blowing life altering event that occurred (besides Bit's presence of course.) I am officially A-.

I know, so what right? Well, when you go your whole life writing on forms and putting yourself in a box with all the O+'s of the world it's pretty shocking. I'm actually kind of surprised at how the news of not being O+ has affected me. I feel as though someone has told me that I have brown eyes instead of blue or that my feet are now appearing where my hands used to be. I'm sure my new A- self will slowly come to terms.

Since I am now A- and our donor was O+ this means I will have to have a RhoGAM shot. I'm kind of glad I didn't know this before as I think I would have been more of a stress case through the first trimester.

The Wrath of Bit

Amy and I always joke that whenever I'm not feeling well that Bit is angry. Eat a cheeseburger, Bit gets angry, wait to eat when I'm hungry, Bit gets angry. You get the general pattern. Well last night after work I stupidly decided that it would be a great idea to have soup for dinner. I'm not talking soup out of a can here people I mean dozens of ingredients, spices I've never heard of, made from scratch soup. So after a long day at work I schlepped it to the grocery store, bought said ingredients and spices and proceeded to spend the next 3 hours making soup. Don't get me wrong Amy and I thought the soup was AWESOME and so was the fresh baked bread I bought to go along with it.

One thing you need to know about me is that I hate, I mean HATE to throw up. I will do everything in my power not to do it. Although I have had bouts of nausea these past 13 weeks I have been successful at not throwing up. Deep breathing, trying not to make my mind go elsewhere and eating so many WarHeads that mouth has gotten raw has helped me with this. That was of course until last night.I'm not sure if it was the extra piece of bread I just knew was a bad idea to eat, the pre-natal vitamin I normally take right before I go to sleep or just doing to much last night but either way BIT WAS PISSED! Bit-1 Mama-0. Game on!

Lots to Share

Coming out to the office and friends
Thank you all for your advice on letting my co-worker know. I opted to send an email instead of doing a face-to-face. My concern was that it would become about me with her having to plaster on a fake smile, ask a million questions and push down all the feelings that she would feel like she couldn't express. She was very appreciative of my sensitivity to her feelings and she has been so great all week. The rest of the office and friends are so excited for us. Although it's a relief to have the cat out of the bag it has amped my anxiety that there are more people to tell if something goes wrong. I wonder when I will start to relax.

NT Scan
We got to see Bit again this week during our NT scan at 11w6d (measured 12w2d). Everything looked good according to the ultrasound tech and we could see Bit have it's hand up by it's face. We could see 2 legs, arms and fingers. Heart rate was 171. We'll find out the results next week (not that it will make a difference either way). I'm still waiting for this to feel real. I know it's strange with all the ultrasounds we've been having, all the preparation and symptoms but this still doesn't feel like it's happening.


Daycare
We have started touring the daycare circuit. Trying to get our name on as many waiting lists as possible. Some of the places left us feeling very sad and discouraged but fortunately there are those few bright shining stars that give us hope that there is a place that will meet our list of criteria. One place is absolutely amazing. Teaching Spanish, sign language, music, etc. The teachers come to the home for home visits...it felt like the Harvard of daycares. Only problem is that Bit wouldn't be able to start until August so we would have to figure out an interim solution for 4 months.

Symptoms
Sorry I've been MIA all week. With the disappearance of nausea has come the headaches. I'm normally prone to headaches but without my trusted Advil to make me better I've been left with cold compresses and heating pads to try and ease the pain. One more week and we're in the second trimester!!

Advice Needed

So I've decided to officially out the pregnancy to work on Monday (there have been too many close calls of people finding out). As some of you may have read a co-worker suffered a miscarriage a couple weeks back and I want to be sensitive to her feelings about my announcement. My plan was to send her an email on Friday giving her a heads up about my pregnancy and my plans to announce on Monday. That way she has the opportunity to have a private reaction to the news and process any feelings it might bring up.

Where I need help is in what should I say. Should I stick strictly to the facts? Mention I know that this must be hard on her? Share how long we have gone through the process?

I'm sure I'm WAY over thinking it but the only feelings I know how to address are the ones from BFNs not miscarriages. How do you suggest I handle it without making it sound like I understand what she's feeling (because I don't) but at the same time being sensitive to those very feelings.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Little Bit is Growing (9w6d)

Heartbeat:

Little Bit is healthy and has a great heartbeat at 180BPM. We are very happy and excited how much has changed in 2 weeks. Bit is starting to look like a baby!!!

Little Bit

This afternoon we have an appointment to see our little Bit. We are so excited to see our growing Bit and listen to the heartbeat again. We are close to 10 weeks so we are feeling more comfortable telling others about the baby. My mom told the other side of the family (second cousins)last week about our baby. I was fine with that but we are trying to keep it from Melissa's work. We are noticing this week that some of the family on F*ceb*ok that know keep talking about the baby. Luckily, Melissa is able to delete things right away at work. We really want to see the baby doing well today before Melissa lets others know. I believe her goal was the end of this month but I am not sure that is going to happen.

Happy Second Anniversary!

Today is Amy's and my second wedding anniversary. We have a jam packed two days of celebration ahead of us. Tonight it's dinner and Kathy Griffin and tomorrow Bill Maher. It's weird how our wedding seems both like it was yesterday and yet a million years ago. And even though it's been two of the craziest years we've spent together I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I have to give a HUGE shout out to all the TTCers, pregnant ladies and parents out there who have had to go through all of it alone. I can't even imagine doing all of this without Amy. She has been amazingly supportive, caring and nurturing. Letting me cry when I needed, pulling me out of my funk when I've wallowed in sadness and laughing with me until tears streamed down our faces.

I'm so excited and amazed that I have found the perfect person to raise a child with. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AMY!!

Beyond Cute

My mom just sent me this, requesting a future performance from her grandchild.

Question

Before starting this ttc, process the thought of giving birth at home was not even an option. About a year ago, Melissa put this thought in my head about using a midwife and I thought she was crazy. After reading about the care you and the baby receive before, during, and after the baby is born is amazing. It still scares me because of the problems that can happen at home. But I don’t want the hospital to rush the delivery using drugs to free up a bed.

I keep going back and forth about using a midwife or giving birth at a hospital. Movies like The Business of Being Born and stories from other bloggers make me want to go the midwife route. The relationships I’ve read about between mothers and the midwife sounds ideal. However, before our first ultra sound both Melissa and I were extremely nervous about what we were going to see. This made us both think giving birth in a hospital is the best option. We even made an appointment with an OB that comes highly recommended.

This morning I watched the documentary again and now I think we are making a mistake. Therefore, I am looking for help from the bloggers. If you have a little one, what did you decide to do and are you happy you went that route? If you are planning to start a family, which direction are leaning towards, a hospital or using a midwife?

Family of Three

1 Baby
174 Heartbeats per Minute
2 Happy Moms

Muffin Top

I was just told that I look like I've lost weight. I accepted the compliment and will enjoy my little secret that the reason I look skinnier is that my pants are unbuttoned so my muffin top doesn't have anything to spill over.

How Naive

The first six weeks were easy breezy. I have to admit that I was actually getting a little cocky thinking that I would be that one in a hundred that would skate by the first trimester. Well reality has set in my friends and it is not happy with me for thinking I could be above all the symptoms.

Ironically, the morning is the best time for me but when 2:00 hits it's not pleasant. I have yet to throw up (I HATE throwing up and will do everything and anything to avoid it). I really don't understand why it seems that women don't tell each other the unpleasantness of pregnancy. I can't even count the number of pregnant women who said they were feeling great when you asked how they were doing. LIARS!!

Telling the truth doesn't make you less grateful for where you are or less deserving of a child. So I will attempt to be as honest as possible about what we are going through during this pregnancy even if the truth might be ugly.

Ultrasound on Thursday!!

Fear

I think I've been holding it together pretty well. I'm making an effort to enjoy this pregnancy and not let fear come into it and rule my every thought.

I just found out a co-worker is miscarrying. She's 8 weeks along. I now feel like I'm drowning in fear, I can't keep my hands from shaking or get my heart to stop racing. I just don't want this to be us.

And I also fear when it's my turn to tell the office of our pregnancy. How her heart will break, how she will put on a smile but be crying inside and how she will think how her baby would have been born around the same time.

Why does TTC always have to be so hard?

Ultrasound #1 Scheduled

Thanks everyone for there input. The more Amy and I think about it and do our internet searches we are more and more convinced that there will be only one little one that will be on the ultrasound. Your feedback has helped confirmed it and eliminated the stress.

We were supposed to go in for our first ultrasound this Friday (7 weeks) but I have to go out of town for the day on business and then our RE is out the beginning of next week so we'll go in the morning of the 2nd. We're disappointed that scheduling conflicts has pushed it out a week but are telling ourselves there will be more to see since we'll be close to 8 weeks then.

I'll go in this Friday to make sure my progesterone level has gone up. I didn't realize how taking progesterone two times a day would kick my ass. No extreme symptoms just general waves of ickiness. In these moments I remember how long and hard we fought to get here and how many are still out there fighting. I try so hard not to cry or whine but I have to admit that sometimes it's hard.

More to Love???

I feel so boring. Not sure what to write about anymore. I guess we'll get our groove back and figure things out as we move along.

Beta #3 came back today. Before I do the big reveal I'll talk about progesterone levels. Today is 28DPO and my level was at 14.5 so the RE has me taking progesterone two times a day (instead of 1) to get that number up.

Okay now for the beta...

Beta #1: 14DPO-115
Beta #2: 21DPO-2420
Beta #3: 28DPO-22,971

So needless to say we are freaking out a little bit that there might be more than one in there. Don't get me wrong we'd be happy with twins, it's just one of those things we never pictured for ourselves.

How do these numbers look to you? 1 or 2?

Beta #2

Everything seems to be trucking along nicely.

14DPO: 115
21DPO: 2420

Which gives us a doubling time of 1.59 days. Doctor wants me to stay on the progesterone and go in again for another beta next Friday. Then we'll do our first ultrasound at 7 weeks.

We're very relieved at the numbers so far. I guess after doing this so long it's hard not to slip into my Bitter Betty and Debbie Downer personalities. I'm trying very hard not to worry and enjoy this time. So far no real symptoms, just getting worn out more quickly and sleeping like crap. All things I can handle.

XOXO

We are blown away by all your well wishes and your true joy at our amazing news. It's ironic that you try for so long for a certain end goal, knowing full well what you're trying to obtain and once you're there it seems so unbelievable and strange.

It's because of all your support along the way that we're able to come to this strange new place and slowly start to accept it's reality. If it wasn't for all your encouragement, throughout these 2 years, picking us up when we were down, gluing us back together when we were shattered time and time again we wouldn't be on this side of the TTC journey.

We are completely happy, thrilled and above all grateful. We know how truly lucky we are and are extremely sensitive to the fact that seeing someone else's BFP can be painful (even while you share in the joy). For not one moment will take this for granted and we'll continue to be here for you. I hope you'll still be here for us as well because even though we got this far we selfishly need your continued words of encouragement as we continue on this journey.

HUGE hugs and kisses to all of you!!

Beta #2 will be this Friday. Will keep you posted.

Holy Shit!?!...and a bunch of other swear words

We are still in complete shock!

Beta at 14 DPO: 115

Sicky McSickerson

Well today is 11 DPO. I refuse to test because that whole process has become too depressing so we'll wait for Friday's beta result. In the meantime I seem to have caught a cold (sore throat, headache and runny nose) so I'm sleeping most of the day away which I hope will make the time go by quickly.

We'll check back on Friday with the news.

Ho Hum

Not much to say as there hasn't been a lot going on. I'm almost done with my TWW distraction list. Only item left is to finish the diaper bag, which I hope to do this weekend. I'll take pics when I'm done to share with you all.

This cycle has been much more enjoyable as there have been a couple blog buddies at the same stage of the cycle as us. I think it would be so much fun if Two Hot Mamas, And Baby Makes Three and Amy and I got our BFPs next week!

7 days down...7 more to go.

Afternoon Quickie

IUI #2:
- count was 12 million
- ovulated 2 from the right and 1 from the left
- beta scheduled for 6/5

TWW distractions:
- sew a diaper bag for a friend
- finish the current book I'm reading
- go to book club and get a new book to read(any book recommendations?)
- shop at IKEA for bedroom mini makeover items

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Hark the Herald Angels Sing

I feel like we've been living in a Motel 8 for the past 2 years and just moved into a penthouse suite at the Ritz. All I have to say is:

1. Warmed speculum
2. No tenaculum
3. Official sperm count of 18 million

Not only that but when we go in for IUI #2 tomorrow we'll have another follicle scan done to see which follicles have hopefully done the deed. Seriously, is it Christmas???

Try#9 a Go! - UPDATE

Went in for another scan today and we have been given the thumbs up to proceed. I trigger later this afternoon (between 4 and 5) and go in for IUI#1 tomorrow morning and IUI#2 Friday morning. The great news is that our RE's office is going to do them this cycle!! Apparently, the doctor's had a meeting about it and out of the four who own the practice three of the doctor's are all for doing "donor inseminations" so the three doctor's are moving forward with doing them and the one not so much. Amy and I think we spotted him on our visit today. Old curmudgeony looking man (he is the only one in the practice that we have never seen).

UPDATE: E2 is at 732 so things are looking good. I swear after all of this I really think I could get some form of medical degree!

Getting Better

Sorry we've been MIA for so long with no updates. Amy is doing much better! With her gallbladder gone she is slowly getting back to her old self again. Thank you all for your well wishes.

As for TTC we've had a couple follicle scans and things seem to be progressing. We go in again for another one tomorrow morning and hopefully learn when we can trigger and get this show on the road.

I just re-read this post and it is way blah. Sorry about that, not feeling much excitement this go round.

BUT one thing I am excited about is that for our 2 year wedding anniversary (which isn't until July) Amy and I decided to by ourselves theater tickets. We are going to see Kathy Griffin in July and Wicked in August. I can't wait!!

Can't Catch a Break

The short version is Amy has been in the hospital since Thursday. They took her gallbladder out today and are transferring her to a different hospital tomorrow for another procedure on Monday. We're hoping she'll be home by Tuesday. Send positive healing thoughts her way. When she's feeling better and I'm not so exhausted you'll get to hear the long version.

Start Your Engines

All my cysts are gone. Start stimming on Sunday. Here we go again...

Pain

Melissa and I have had this blog for over two years now. We have always been selective on who we would let know about our blog. We only told a few family and friends. Because of this there have been times where we chose not to write something because we were trying to be sensitive to the feelings of others in real life (IRL) who read the blog. The reason we didn't give it to everyone was so we would feel free to openly speak our minds, while also still having a "normal" life outside of the baby making world.

The past two months have been VERY hard on both Melissa and me. I think it's clear that we have had a rocky time of things lately. Emotionally, we have both hit bottom more than once. One thing that's really helped us is the support of all of you who read our blog and share in our ups and downs (as we do yours). It's odd how in some ways we're all complete strangers, but we feel closer to you than some of our friends and family IRL.

As this whole process has dragged on it feels as though we are losing the support of the family and friends who have been participating in this journey with us. We don't hear those encouraging words anymore or feel the outreach of a little gesture that used to let us know that they were there for us.

Looking at it from their side of things it must be difficult to know when to say or do something, and when they do decide that something should be said what on earth are they supposed to say? It just feels like right now everyone is caught up and moving forward with their lives and leaving us behind. It just hurts.

The Good, Bad and the Ugly

Good: Amy got a promotion today! I'm so so proud of her. She's been working so hard and is totally deserving.

Bad: Follicle scan this morning showed multiple cysts.

Ugly: Looks like once again we are on hold *sigh* Why can't we seem to ever catch a break in the TTC department. I'm starting birth control pills today and go in for a follow up scan in 2 weeks. I'm not going to lie, all the old feelings of being a broken dysfunctional human being came rushing back but I was able to not dwell in the darkness for too long. I just have to keep reminding myself that we aren't in a race and that it will happen when it's supposed to happen.

Side note: You MUST MUST see the documentary "Dear Zachary" (if any of you have Netflix you can watch it instantly). It is one of the most astonishing and tragic films I have ever seen. Make sure to watch it with Kleenex.

Spin Room

10 positive things I could make out of Try #8 not working:

1. I got to drink wine with dinner last night
2. Our baby won't be born close to Christmas (which was an issue with Amy since Thanksgiving ALWAYS ruins her birthday)
3. Our baby will be born in 2010 which will make it super easy for he/she to calculate how old they are when they are older
4. The ice cold glass of Coca Cola tasted damn good
5. Happy Hour on Thursday with friends will be extra fun with queso AND beer
6. "April showers bring May flowers", so I'm sure it will bring babies too, right?
7. I won't we as hugely pregnant when we go to the Austin City Limits Music Festival in October.
8. We got to order Season 3 of LOST (we agreed we deserved a gift if we got a BFN)
9. Amy gets a reprieve from having to clean the litter box for a little bit longer
10. We're one more try closer to getting our BFP!

Thanks all for your condolences and kind words. Amy and I are overwhelmed by the response. We are now officially onto Try #9. Scan tomorrow and we'll learn what our Follistim dosage will be.

Nope

Not much else left to say.

Basal Be Gone

I have to say that I'm highly enjoying not taking my temp every morning. I used to be a total stress case and could hardly sleep through the night for fear of what the dreaded thermometer would say. Now I sleep like a baby (so to speak).

We're 8DPO today. Beta blood work is schedule for Tuesday so fingers crossed that goes well but only time will tell. No real symptoms (aside from those from the progesterone) which I'm kind of grateful for because I have no false hope at the moment.

I've been very good about taking my vitamins, drinking my Fertilitea and eating my pineapple. Not sure how much this truly has an affect on the outcome but it's a small comfort to me. It's all about that sense of control, right?

Don't Judge a Book by it's Cover

Susan Boyle

It Gets Better!!

This week continues to move in an upwards direction! We got a call last night from my sister telling us that she's ENGAGED!! How exciting is that?!?

I now totally feel like we're getting old. This is the same younger sister who I used to play circus and synchronized swimmers with in the basement, get her to do things for me by telling her I was timing her to see how fast it would take for her to get me a drink from the fridge and the one who I would totally freak out by turning off all the lights, sneak into her room and make loud breathing noises until she screamed.

Amy and I are both so happy for her and of course for her fiance too. Poor guy is coming into a family full of women. So you know he has to be pretty amazing to deal with something like us.


This picture was taken at our wedding. Next picture will be taken at theirs!

Done and Done

So now we wait. IUI #1 and #2 are complete. I really think our luck is turning around so I hope it carries us through the next two weeks.

1. Amy's company is paying for 100% of the cost to fix her car

2. We don't need a new roof but a friend of a friend said he could fix it for half the price we were quoted from another company.

3. I lost my key in Garden Ridge yesterday and found it again. It was seriously a needle in a haystack situation. I thought I was on an episode of the Amazing Race where my "Road Block" was to search through all the silk flowers in the store and find my key. I still can't believe I actually found it.

So now all I have to do is keep my mind busy. So far I'm going to go see Heather Armstrong (aka Dooce) at a book signing tonight, I'm going to make a bag so I have a place to put my keys when I go into stores and we have a wedding to go to this weekend. Then there is LOST tonight so I think I'm good for this week. Better start planning activities for next week ASAP.

Trigger Tonight

The doctor was VERY impressed with my body's reaction to the Follistim. We trigger tonight and do IUI#1 tomorrow and IUI#2 on Wednesday. Another twist to this cycle is the addition of progesterone, guess we'll see how that goes.

Follistim:
CD3-5: 150IU
CD6: 100IU
CD7: 50IU
CD8: Ovidrel

Estradiol(E2):
CD6: 466
CD8: 1247

Endo Lining:
CD6: 8.3mm
CD8: 11.1mm

Follicles:
Right side: 20.5mm, 2-17mm, 15mm, 13mm, 12mm and 11mm
Left side: 20mm, 15mm, 13mm and 12mm

Things Are Moving Along Quickly

Had our scan today (CD6) and have been inundated with information that I'm still trying to weed through. In summary:

Follistim:
CD3-5: 150IU
CD6: 100IU
CD7: 50IU

Estradiol(E2):
CD6: 466

Endo Lining:
CD6: 8.3mm

Follicles:
Right side: 2-14mm, 2-11mm, 2-10mm and 9mm
Left side: 13mm, 11mm and 10mm

We go in again for another scan Monday morning. That's the good news. Now for the bad news. This has been a heinous week. Not only did 1/4 of our roof shingles blow off our house on Tuesday but on Friday I dented/scraped Amy's passenger side door of her car (not going to lie it's pretty bad).

We've been told by a previous adjuster that our roof is crap so we're hoping that this adjuster tells us we need a whole new roof instead of just a patch job(which will get covered under insurance) and since Amy's car is a company car we're hoping any out-of-pocket expenses we are responsible for are minimal.

I'm hoping this is the universe's way of dumping loads of crap on us so that we can be extra happy when the good news comes later this month in the form of a BFP :)

In Hiding

I feel so pathetic right now. My boss brought his 3month old into the office for everyone to naturally ooohh and aaah over. I went over and did the polite quick visit and threw in a "beautiful baby" comment and have since high tailed it to the other side of the office where I can't see or hear the baby. A place that is safe from the pregnancy and children discussions that all the moms on the other side are having.

I'm in a phase right now where it is physically and emotionally to difficult to be around babies. I've skirted every opportunity of being in their presence. I notice that I go through these phases. At times I can't get enough of being able to visit and play with other people's babies and other times I can't run away from them fast enough.

Hopefully this ends soon cause I hate making excuses and hiding from people. *sigh*

Look What the Mailman Brought Us

We got the green light from the RE is this morning and we are ready to go. I take my first shot (150 IU) tomorrow.

Half the stress and heartache in this whole process for us has been the time leading up to the IUIs. Will it work, will the cycle be canceled, etc. Now that's taken out of the equation so a whole new world has opened up to us. Next appointment is on Saturday for our first scan and blood work.

And even better all of our doctors will be available even though it's likely that our IUI will fall on Easter weekend!!

This is the Face of Epilepsy

Poor Campbell. Back in December, Amy and I came home from her company Christmas party to Cam laying in our bedroom having a seizure. We took him to the emergency clinic where they poked, prodded and ran tests only to have no answer. Simply giving the advice to wait and see. Well as of last night we don't have to wait anymore and I saw enough.

I came home from work to find our bedroom floor covered in urine and vomit with my poor furry baby laying in the middle of it all having a seizure. He went on to have 2 seizures when I was there and based on the look of the room he had many more before I had arrived. After taking him to emergency last night and to our regular vet this morning he has officially been diagnosed with epilepsy. He's been given a prescription that hopefully will limit the number of seizures he has from now on.


Ivy was none to pleased that Cam ruined her 6th birthday with all his drama.

Rough Week

We're not off to a very good start. Anyone have suggestions of fun blogs/websites they visit to make them happy or pass the time?

Mine are:
Cake Wrecks
Fail Blog
CuteOverload
Goodreads
and of course Facebook

oh and reading Doc Jensen's theories on LOST.
Doc Jensen

I need a distraction! Anyone have other guilty pleasures?

TTC History

One of the things I love on others' blogs is a brief (or in our case not so brief) history of how long they've been doing this and what they've done. Makes old timers like us feel less alone. So here goes:

Cycles
Feb. 2007 - Started temping
Jul. 2007 - 50mg Clomid, Dry Run
Aug. 2007 - 50mg Clomid, IUI #1 - BFN
Sep. 2007 - 50mg Clomid, IUI #2 - BFN
Oct. 2007 - 50mg Clomid, IUI #3 - Annovulatory cycle
Dec. 2007 - Break (timing didn't work due to holidays)
Jan. 2008 - 100mg Clomid, IUI #4 - BFN (moved to monitored cycles)
Feb. 2008 - 100mg Clomid, IUI #5 - BFN
Mar. 2008 - 100mg Clomid - Annovulatory cycle
Apr. - Jun 2008 - 3 months forced break by OB/GY. Put on birth control
Jul. 2008 - 50mg Clomid, Annovulatory cycle
Aug. 2008 - 100mg Clomid, IUI #6 - BFN (switched donors)
Sep. 2008 - Break to meet with RE (had HSG and put on Cabergoline X2 a week because of high prolactin levels)
Oct. 2008 - Break for laparoscopy and hysteroscopy (fibroids removed)
Nov. 2008 - Break to recover from surgery
Dec. 2008 - 50mg Clomid - Annovulatory cycle
Jan. 2009 - 100mg Clomid, IUI #7 - BFN
Feb. 2009 - 100mg Clomid, Annovulatory cycle (moved to injectables) - BFN
Mar. 2009 - Try #8 Follistim - BFN
Scan #1: CD3: no cysts
Scan #2: CD6: E2=466, Endo: 8.3mm
Scan #3: CD8: E2=1247, Endo: 11.1mm; Ovidrel Trigger (Dominant Follicles: 2- 20mm)
IUI #1: CD9 (4/7)
IUI #2: CD10 (4/8)
Apr. 2009 - Break due to cysts (put on birth control)
May 2009 - Try #9 Follistim - BFP!! (6/5/09)
Scan #1: CD3: no cysts
Scan #2: CD7: E2=235, Endo: 5.9mm
Scan #3: CD10: E2=860, Endo: 8.6mm
Scan #4: CD12: E2=617, Endo: 11.3mm
Scan #5: CD13: E2=732, Endo: 10.8mm; Ovidril Trigger (Dominant Follicles: 20mm, 18mm and 17mm)
IUI #1: CD14 (5/21) - count: 18 million
IUI #2: CD15 (5/22) - count: 12 million

Betas
Beta #1: 14DPO - 115
Beta #2: 21DPO - 2420
Beta #3: 28DPO - 22,971

Ultrasounds
U/S #1: 7w6d (6/2)- singleton: 174BPM (measuring 7w5d)
U/S #2: 9w6d (7/16)- 180BPM (measuring 9w6d)
U/S #3: 11w6d (7/30)- 171BPM (measuring 12w2d)
U/S #4: 19w3d (9/21)- 133BPM (measuring 20w4d and weighs 14oz): Diagnosed with velamentous cord insertion
U/S #5: 23w5d (10/21)- 141BPM (measuring 25w6d and weighs 2.5 lbs.): rediagnosed(not velamentous cord insertion) with marginal cord insertion

Midwife Appointments:
27w5d (11/18/09): Estimated weight 2.5 lbs, still breech (pike position)

Olive's Birthday

My good friend Claudia and her husband welcomed their daughter Olivia (Olive) into the world today. Isn't she AMAZING!?!

Closing a Door and Opening a Window

Well the RE visit this morning went as expected. This cycle has officially been canceled. Not too upset about it since I knew it was coming so I made sure to take full advantage of a bust cycle by having a great birthday weekend!!

This is officially our last clomid cycle. We are moving on to injectables. I go in for "needle training" on Wednesday and then we just wait (with the help of Provera) for the next cycle.

In other exciting news, we found out the mystery of the "no single ladies" treatment at the RE. Turns out my OB was halfway misinformed. It turns out the REs office doesn't deal with donor sperm. Granted, it's still a round about way of discriminating but the good news is that my RE told me this visit that they are seriously considering changing the policy so we might not have to do the 2 doctor shuffle for much longer.

Putting Things Into Perspective

Well the visit today was so so. Bunch of follicles, largest measuring 12mm. She said there will be a lot to work with if we have to move on to injectables, which is comforting. We're going to go back for another follicle scan to see if they are making any progress. I have a feeling they won't so I've more or less written this try as a no go. Given this, I think Amy and I are going to discuss doing injectables next cycle with our RE.

I was all ready to go in with my guns blazing about how stressed out I was about having to coordinate with the 2 doctors, how I was upset this time might not work etc. when I was slapped in the face with a heavy dose of reality.

In my initial complaint to the RE I mentioned my OBs mother-in-law was ill and that we were having trouble coordinating the insemination. It was then she told us that our OB/GYN is going through a lot right now. Apparently, her billing manager was murdered (shot by her husband)in the OBs office in December and our OB was the one who tried to resuscitate her.

As we sat there listening to this horrifying story of what had transpired in our doctor's office I felt both very fortunate and very small. As big and all encompassing as this whole process is in our life in the grand scheme of things I need to remember to give thanks for the things that I do have rather than just look at the things that others are getting or the things that I don't have.

So basically right now we are in a bit of state of limbo and I'm okay with that.

I want to thank you all for your support for the unfairness we have to go through at our REs clinic. Unfortunately (or fortunately) we love our RE and our OB/GYN. The practice our RE works for is run by a bunch of old curmudgeons and they are the ones dictating the "single woman" rule. Because we love her and our OB/GYN ALWAYS finds a way to fit us in during the week and comes in on the weekends just for us we're sticking where we are for now.

Whatever the Opposite of Nerves of Steel Is

This is always the worst part of this whole process for me. The few days before we go in for our fist follicle scan. I think if I really counted we have been put on a break more than we’ve been able to give it a go. The news that this cycle will not move forward has always been given during our first follicle scan, so needless to say I always go in with a nervous stomach and a small level of dread that the visit will end with bad rather than good news.

This try we have additional stress in that our other doctor’s mother-in-law is sick so we don’t know if we will even get to move forward this cycle. Long story short we have two doctors we have to work with and coordinate during this whole process. Our RE gets us ready for ovulation and then my OB/GYN does the insemination. The reason for this is the practice where our RE is has a rule that they don’t service “single women” which basically means no lesbians allowed. So after our follicle scan Wednesday I have to call the OB/GYN to see if she is going to be available to do the IUI this cycle. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do if this gets canceled. There have been double digits of births and pregnancies since we started trying and I’m tired of being left of the sidelines.

Same. Same. Same.

Went to the RE this morning. No cysts so Try #8 is good to go. Starting on 100mg clomid again today with follicle scan next Wednesday. Looks likely that the next insemination will happen on my birthday! How fun is that?!?

Put a Fork in it

I'm officially calling Try #7 over. MAJOR temp drop this morning. We're surprisingly not too upset about this try not working. I think part of the reason is it took us so long to get to even try this time we were happy to just be in the game again. I have a call out to the RE to see what we're doing for Try #8. Birthday happy hour tonight for a friend is perfect timing too!!

Thinking It's a Nope

Chart is looking mighty nasty. Thinking I'm going to have to ditch 7 as being my lucky number. Doesn't the Chinese culture believe 8 is lucky?

Almost halfway

Thought I'd post my mall map again from a previous cycle. We are officially at 5DPO. This TWW has gone by pretty quickly. Keeping busy with errands, knitting and going to the movies has helped.

First

For the first time since this process begin I am the one having trouble dealing with the emotions of waiting and preparing. Being the supporter/partner in the insemination process has been easy for me. It is my job to help Melissa deal with the bad results and let downs we have had for the past 2 years.

As most of you know (until last week) we have not made it to the actual insemination step since last August. Now I think I am rusty because I am so terrified of the results more than ever. I am worried about Melissa and how she will take the news. Every time I see her upset because of a bad outcome it takes a little piece of me away. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Watching her hurt so bad over something we don't have any control over is so difficult. We both think about how much more we can take and I am not sure what the answer is. I think Melissa worries about me now because the last couple weeks have been so hard on me.

I know I am being very negative, which is another first for me. But I have to prepare to protect Melissa. I just want to have a positive result so bad so we can start having a new focus.

Help Needed

I was hoping all the visitors to this blog could help me out. We're working on a pro-bono project at work helping a documentary filmmaker raise money for his next project. This is the same director who made the film "For the Bible Tells Me So". A great film about how insightful people of faith handle the realization of having a gay child.

His next project is called "Every Three Seconds". At the turn of the millennium, a United Nations study determined that for the first time in history, we had the resources to eradicate hunger and poverty from the Earth. This new documentary explores the issues and challenges to fulfilling the mission dictated by that groundbreaking study.

How you can help us make this amazing documentary is to VOTE. If we win the contest (by getting the most votes). This project will win a $10,000 grant. This money can go a long way.

Please visit http://ideablob.com/ideas/4477-Every-Three-Seconds

This is a really great project that I'm excited to be working on and those involved in making the film are truly dedicated.

Thanks for your help and support!

Great Doctor's Visit

Quick update. Just got back from the doctor's office and we have 1 24mm follicle (on CD13)!! Ovidrel shot tonight and IUI scheduled for Thursday morning.

Any tips for giving yourself a shot? I'm a bit nervous to do it.

UPDATE: The deed is done. Thanks for all your tips, tricks and well wishes. You were right it wasn't bad at all.

Superstition

I don't think I've ever mentioned that I'm surrounded in my life by the number 7.

7s in my life:
- my first name is 7 letters long
- my birthday is 03/07/77
- when you add up all the numbers of my birthday (3+7+1+9+7+7=34 3+4=7 )it breaks down to the number 7
- Amy's first name is 3 letters and her last name is 4 = 7
- we got married on 07/09/07
- when you add up all the numbers of our wedding date it breaks down to the number 7

So today I am on CD7 of Try#7 on 100mg clomid (headaches have finally gone away). We go in next Tuesday for our first follicle scan (which when you add up the numbers of that date break down to the number 7!!). We haven't had much luck with first follicle scans so here's hoping the power of 7 will bring us some luck.

Irony

So one day after writing about TTC being a job I hate and don't get anything out of except negativity, I get a paper emailed to me by a co-worker written by David Whyte. The paper is called Keats and Conversation: The new and newly youthful world of work. Although, it was meant to be read and put into context with my paying job, two paragraphs really jumped out at me as it truly spoke to how I should look at my TTC job.

"In work as in life, we must contemplate the loss of everything in order to know what we have to give; it is the essence of writing, the essence of working, the essence of living; an essence that we look for by hazarding our best gifts in the world, and in that perspective, all of us are young and have the possibilities of the young until our last breath goes out."

and

"Where we find obstacles in the physical world, the soul finds a shoreline which is a frontier of arrival between the visible and the invisible. The soul of an individual is the longing inside each person for a greater sense of belonging, for a new country. We go through most workdays forgetting that this grand migratory force exists within us. We may feel a small satisfaction in a step taken, while the soul feels as if it is in anchored off the Promised Land, with just a short row to bring it home. As the level of our souls, no matter the difficulty in our work, or the responsibilities, or the possibility of failure, entire new worlds are coming into being."

I thought this might help boost the spirits of some who find themselves feeling a bit hopeless at the moment and hating their TTC job. It helped me look at my second job in a different light.

Moonlighting

A few years ago there was an episode of Oprah where Martha Stewart's daughter (her name escapes me at the moment) was talking about her struggles with infertility and the IVF process she was going through. I remember watching it amazed at how cold and distant she seemed to be about the whole process at one point equating the whole process of TTC to a job. I learned two things from watching that episode. 1) Never make comments about someone's feelings, actions or intentions unless you have been in their position and 2) she was absolutely right.

This whole process has been a second job where I hate almost all of my coworkers, am getting paid minimum wage and am having to work every single weekend. I now realize that her cold and distant tone was not one of lack of caring or emotions but rather a protection mechanism to shield herself from all the disappointments that come with this second job.

Given all that we have been through I have decided to cut back on my hours and go down to part-time with my second job. To me this means starting to buy clothes again with not worrying about how long I'd be able to wear them, starting to run again, making future plans with no worry if I will be able to go, taking advantage of these times when I'm forced to go on a break and to slowly start to enjoy life again.

There are only so many things that I can control. I used to control those things but along the way I loosened my grip and now find myself in the position of helplessness. It's time to start reclaiming my control over what I can. Maybe I'll start my calling in sick to my TTC job and go out for drinks instead :)

Bad Day

I was so hoping this year would begin with a happy start but all I feel today is sad, disappointed and like a failure. Follicle scan was a bust again with follicles being too small. So now I'm on Provera waiting for our next try.

This is starting to become a very very old and tired story. 18 months of the same crap month after month has started to have a negative effect on me and my life. All this process has done is slowly chip away at my happiness. Feeling for months that I'm broken and a failure takes it's toll and I'm starting to wonder how much more I can handle. There are only so many tears I can cry.

I'm spending the rest of the day in bed with the covers over my head and then have to go out to dinner. Put on a fake happy smile and make small talk about things I couldn't care less about.